Gonna pop in this last one! A 2011 Timeline!

Seeing as we have 2 days left of the year 2011, I kinda wanted to pop in this one post. This year has been a year of firsts. Of course, you can say that about any year that you've lived, but this one has the most BIG firsts. I guess I just kinda wanna list them out...Mostly for me to see and look back on. So, here it is. 2011 in a (kinda long) nutshell.

-First time I camped out for a parade with a bunch of my friends in the freezing cold!
-First serious bf in California
-First actual movie date (OK, so my parents didn't quite know...)
-First time over at a bfs house that was allowed by parents! (It was truly a miracle)
-First time Vile Day (I mean Valentine's sorry) wasn't a complete disaster!
-First bouquet of roses ever sent to my house
-First time I went to a trip without my parents for a long time. (Colorado with my brother for two weeks)
-First time in -30 degree weather (Horrible, just horrible)
-First camping trip
-First time I've cried in front of strangers..or at least people I'd only known for like a week.
-First time I made legit friends through my school haha
-First time at the Kid's Choice Awards
-First time in the SAME ROOM as Johnny Depp!
-First completely awkward encounter with ex-bf in acting class with suspected new gf (Let's just say, it was a miracle I didn't fail at all my scenes)
-First time at Disneyland in 5 years!
-First time I stayed at a Disneyland Hotel (and with a friend, no less!)
-First time on an extremely scary roller coaster that I swore to myself I'd never go on. (OK, so I sobbed the whole time and they had to pull me onto the ride...Tower of Terror is aptly named.)
-First time on a Cartoon Network show (Destroy Build Destroy...hopefully I'll be back for more :D)
-First time I got to go to a concert for my birthday (Sara Barellies, what up! Also, my first Sara Bareilles concert.)
-First time my parents allowed me to go camping..AGAIN! So, technically a second time...whatever, new place.
-First time to an actual, honest-to-god, could've-been-the-Parent-Trap, summer camp
-First time anyone's mistaken my brother as my bf (Let me tell you, I still have nightmares about it)
-First time I've ever been the topic of gossip in a boy cabin! It felt really violating and gross, yet flattering all at the same time. So weird.
-First time on a tightrope, 20 feet in the air. (Don't worry I was harnessed. It was actually extremely awesome!)
-First time I ever was roomies with my principal (and as result, became good friends with!)
-First time I got to my my godchild, Antonella!
-First time my mother's family got to go to Disneyland!
-First serious death (My grandpa <3)
-First time back in Dallas in the summer
-First time in a WHILE that I got to see a lot of my extended family in one place
-First time I've ever been one of the strongest people in the room emotionally.
-First time I got to see a lot of my old friends!
-First time I've got to hang outside Walmart for a while..
-First funeral I've attended in the US and with a friend
-First THIRD of July celebration haha
-First time I've celebrated 4th of July in a hotel
-First road trip with an almost full car (UGH.)
(Here's the part where I try to veer away from"firsts")
-Got to spend a lot of time with my extended family
-Got to go to "The Sing Off" taping and SING TO my idol, Sara Bareilles! I also broke the rules by getting up onstage :D
-First time I went to a midnight showing of Harry Potter dressed up as a character! Just in time for the last one...*tear*
-First friend to ever sleepover in my new house in Cali
-Finished recording two songs and most of a third one
-First time I actually stuck to and completed a diet!
-Met some important people
-My friends and I caught a pedophile in Disneyland! First time I've done that and been inside backstage Disney, inside security. Also, my first police interview! It was scary, yet awesome.
-Had to experience my favorite teacher be fired probably because of me...
-Got transferred to a new teacher and in a new center-just as I was making friends in my old one!
-First Mac notebook ever! I dreamed of this moment, in all it's 13" glory. (I know it's tiny, but whatever, shut up. Gosh.)
-Had a great Halloween with a friend and dressed as Kim Possible (Also the first time I've ever bared anything other than arms and legs for a costume)
-First time I cleaned the ENTIRE house mostly by myself (the things I do for love...geez haha)
-First time my parents allowed a male (and not just any male, but someone I liked, though of course this wasn't brought to their attention) to sleepover at our house. Not just for one night, but a WEEK. Miracles do happen, people.
-First time I got to relive movie moments: like go in a photo booth with a guy I like; roller skate with him; stroll down Christmasy-y, light filled streets with him; go on roller coasters with him; watch my favorite movie with him; get to ride piggyback on him; dancing with no music with him; sleeping in the car with him; getting matching temporary tattoos.
-First time I got to go to Disneyland with someone I really wanted to be there with
-First time I actually enjoyed exploring Pirate's Lair.
-First time I did the most dangerous things right in the dragon's lair...
-First time in a cap and gown...ever!
-First time in Disneyland on Halloween and on Christmas.
-I freaking graduated from high school! Huge freaking deal!
-Finished 136 episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. That was all that was available at the time. I have no life.
-Finally got some actual furniture in my room! After 2 years of sleeping on a mattress, this deserves to be on the list.
-Mom passed her big test an is now a registered Nurse Assistant! Congrats, mom!
-This will be on the last day of the year: I go to this Pirate's show to celebrate New Year's Eve. It's like Medieval Times, but with pirates! Awesome! Also, my baby, Whipped Cream, turns 4 on December 31st! Happy birthday, hun.

Uh...Hi, there!

So, recently there has been some activity going on here that has alerted me to the fact that more than one person (me) reads this blog. Like, honest to God reads it, not just skims for key words. That's kinda weird seeing as this is sorta like my second diary...except, you know, public. And probably forever if I don't delete it or the Internet somehow fails (God forbid). So, to anyone actually reading this: hello! I'm actually kinda normal in real life, have a respectable amount of Facebook friends, and spend a not-so respectable amount of time on Netflix. Nice to meet you, too. Have a fun time reading...I hope. :D

It is over.

I don't want to do this anymore. It's too complicated & difficult for something that doesn't even make me want to fight for it anymore. My heart's not in it and I don't see the point.

Renewed 17 Day Diet- Day 5

Breakfast started out with a banana and...a slice of pineapple upside down cake... But for lunch and dinner, I ate leftover ham and some salad! And ok, yes, some mashed potatoes. Oh, and this delicious bread with ham and cheese that my mom made yesterday! I couldn't help it, it was yummy! A small victory: I went to go see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with my brother and did not get any popcorn, nor any other concession stand food! How's that for self control? Baby steps, baby steps.

Today's weight: 119.0

Renewed 17 Day Diet- Day 6

I'm really big on routines when I'm on this diet, so I've tried to stick with the same stuff. Breakfast today: Oatmeal with some sugar. Mmm, sugar. I know that technically it's not "healthy" but, hey, it's oatmeal. Then I went to Ashley's Furniture Store for like 7 hours to find furniture. We got it, eventually, but still-7 hours! Afterwards, we went to a Dippin Dots store! Yes, store, not mall stand! They offered a lot of different flavors, a jumbo size, and Dippin Dots sundaes! It was awesome! I had a medium size with Mint Chocolate Chip and something called Moose Trappings. It was pretty much vanilla with chocolate bits. Then we had dinner. Oh yeah, dinner after dessert. I had a bowl of black bean soup. Seriously good. Also, a cheese crescent roll. It was delicious. To round it off, chamomile tea! That was it.

Today's weight: 120.1 lbs

15 Minutes of Truth

One of my favorite books is called Will Grayson, Will Grayson, written by John Green and David Levithan. It's hilarious, sad, and rings of truth. It deals with two very different boys with the same name who meet by chance circumstance. After that chance meeting, it changes them. One of the Wills likes this girl, Jane. He doesn't really come clean with her about his feelings until her ex-boyfriend comes into the picture. He has the idea to have 10 minutes of pure, unadulterated honesty. For 10 minutes, they both say the things they normally would never say to each other. They forget about political correctness or about hurting each others feelings. After the 10 minutes, they "go back" to their normal exchanges, but obviously the dynamic's changed.

When I read that, it kinda stuck with me. I propose that we all do that with each other at some point or another. Just sit down for 15 minutes and say everything that you couldn't say under normal circumstances. You'll be surprised at what comes out. A lot of it also has to do with being honest with yourself. Try having 15 minutes of truth with yourself. It's pretty interesting.

Renewed 17 Day Diet- Day 4

Yeah, I think I've thrown the diet out to the wind.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with sugar
Christmas dinner: Mashed potatoes and gravy; glazed ham; coleslaw salad; special bread; and the most delicious upside down pineapple cake.

Oh, and while I was furniture shopping with my dad and sister, the saleslady offered my a peanut butter cookie. I totally ate that down. FUCK THIS DIET.

 Today's Weight: 118.8 lbs

Renewed 17 Day Diet- Day 3

God, what is wrong with me?! Why is it so much harder to keep to my diet the second time around?! *sigh*

So, I started with a bowl of Quaker oatmeal with a spoonful of sugar (to help the medicine go down...oh yeah, Mary Poppins reference). Then I went to the mall with my mom and sister, only to find that the whole population of Orange County decided to flock there! Jesus christ, took us 20 minutes, 15 bad words, 10 exasperated sighs, and a partridge in a pear tree to get a freaking parking spot. BUT I did get a cute scarf, dress, and the BEST pair of shorts on sale! ...I love clothes so much. It's a problem. But, that meant that I went without food for at least 5 hours straight. So, we picked up my brother and headed to Pat & Oscar's, one of the best restaurants heads down! The problem is that almost everything on their menu is just carbs galore. We got a family meal, which included half a chicken (marinated in lemon-mmm mmm good), a cheese pizza, a large greek salad, tomato bisque soup, and a shitload of breadsticks. These breadsticks...take the ones from Olive Garden and make them 10 times better: BOOM! Pat & Oscar's breadsticks. How could I not take a bite?! Then I ate, not one, but TWO CHEESE PIZZA SLICES?! I literally had to wrestle my sister to get a slice! I know she was only trying to help me...but, dear god, there they were. Uneaten slices1 But I tried really hard not to! I had like 2 chicken drumsticks and a chicken breast, a cup of tomato bisque, and a LOT of salad! All of was amazing, but I couldn't resist!

Serves me right, though. Cuz I got a really bad stomach afterwards :D. So, HA on my weaker side! It deserved it.

Today's Weight: 120.5 lbs

Renewed 17 Day Diet- Day 2

I think my dad is a sadist. A sick sadist trying to torture me into fatness and lifelong self esteem issues. *sigh* I cheated. So, so epically today. Let's start from the beginning.

I got up at noon today, giving me just enough time to head down to the Apple store for a class (yeah, I like to learn things about my Mac, don't judge). That meant I had to skip breakfast until 2 pm, where "breakfast" turned to lunch. My dad bought Papa John's Pizza for my brother and sister while I was gone. I was hoping it would all be done by the time I got home. Unfortunately, my family decided that now they would be somewhat nice and leave at least 4 pieces for me. I say somewhat nice, because I only got one piece from my brother. It was an epic inner struggle between the noble, diet-sticking side vs. the evil, super hungry and weak side. Yeah, the weak side won. I had one slice of cold, Hawaiian pizza, which I hate. Like, come on, if I was gonna cheat, why couldn't it have been pepperoni? A few hours later, my mom made some delicious marinated grilled chicken with rosemary. I had a good portion of that. And then: the true torture began.
My dad, sister, and I went to Wal-Mart to buy some toys for homeless kids (very saintlike of us, blah blah blah). Everything was going alright until we went looking for raisins and came upon the chocolate aisle. My dear father came upon this one box of chocolates from Belgium in the shape of seashells and seahorses. What makes these chocolates special is that I've been looking for these chocolates for YEARS. Years. No exaggeration We had a box of them one time when I was really little and I've been searching for them ever since then. They are amazing.  And we found a box. While I was on my diet. FUCK MY LIFE. But I won out! I didn't get the box, nor the bag of white chocolate truffles that my dad kept saying he was going to buy. I almost burst into tears, begging him not to. He didn't, but it was hard to walk away. But I made it out of there without anything fattening! Little did I know that the trap would be sprung at my own house! My dad, it turns out, had a box of German chocolates of various delicious flavors that a friend from Sweden got him. I was kinda really stressed about some things...so I ate 3. Yup. *sigh* I think I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. Oh, and I had 2 handfuls of walnuts and some more chicken. OK, that's it.

Today's weight: 122.1 lbs

The Renewed 17 Day Diet! Day 1

So, I'm fat again. And that means: more torture! Yaaaaay!

I'm starting up my 17 Day Diet again, since it worked so well the first time. Really smart idea, right before Christmas and New Years. THE worst time for anyone on a diet. I'm super smart. And since I tell you everything, oh little Blogger o mine, I'm going to record everything that I eat here. Again. So, here we go. Day 1.

Day 1

I had to go to LA in the morning and I was in a hurry (big shock there), so I proceeded to leave the house without breakfast. My mother and I made it to LA with time to spare, so we decided to eat at Ihop! It was extremely torturous, staring at the menu full of Nutella crepes and mint chocolate pancakes. Goddamn you, Ihop. I decided on a Simply Fit 2 egg breakfast, with 2 strips of turkey bacon (which looked funny), fresh fruit, and whole wheat toast. I substituted the whole wheat toast for 2 sausage links. Mmm, sausage. For lunch, I was starving for some reason, so we went to Popeye's. I got a Louisiana Traveler's 5 piece chicken tenders. What I didn't know is that the fried skin around the chicken was actually full of carbohydrates. My mom decided to tell me that 3 pieces in. Awesome. Then we FINALLY got home (after 2 hours-yes TWO hours-of sitting traffic) and had some dinner. Lentil beans! They were pretty good, with a good dosing of lime juice. Hell yeah. That was pretty much it for food today.

Starting weight: 122.4 lbs

Long, Meaningful Talks Are Lame.

Don't you hate it when you have to have that long serious talk with someone? Like you know it's necessary for it to happen, but you don't want to seem like that person who LOVES long, meaningful talks. Especially if you're the girl, because then you are automatically placed in the "must talk about emotions and labels" category. And I think we can all agree that that is not a good category to be in. But I've learned that you really have to bite the bullet on these things and just do it. Sure, it sucks to communicate something difficult. But if years of reading girly magazines and watching cheesy rom coms have taught me anything, it's that communication is key. And how to kiss well, they've taught me that, too.

Hey, if you have to say something, say it. And if you keep waiting for the other person to say it, you'll just be two people sitting in silence.

Why Guys Have It Easy

Men: If you're ugly as shit or think you are, here's a tip - Be hilarious. I don't care if you are the nastiest motherfucker out there, if you can make a girl laugh (real laugh not fake) she will sleep with you. In a heart beat. Why? I don't know. But speaking as a female, I am just the same. Make me laugh constantly and I am yours!

Girls, unfortunately, don't have this luxury. I'm pretty sure Rosie O' Donnell and Oprah Winfrey are hilarious (at some point or another...), but you know they're always the one you "kill" while playing Screw, Marry, Kill. Guys SAY that they want a funny girl but if they're hideous? I'm sorry but you will never get laid. Or asked out. Because guys will take funny only to a certain extent.

Look at sitcoms and comedy! The big, fat funny guy somehow ends up with the jaw-droppingly hot chick. It's never the other way around! Why do you think Kevin James and Adam Sandler still have careers?! Because they bank on the funny (though, um, everything they've done of late is anything but funny).

So, guys. Take some stand up lessons. Girls: Hit the gym.

Yaaaaay double standards!

Cupcakes

Make you fat.

HAPPY NATIONAL CUPCAKE DAY

From me and GIR.

PS: He misses you, cupcake.

In reflection

I did it. I finally did it! I have surpassed a major milestone in my life. I have graduated high school.

See, it's funny how we think of milestones as life changers. At least, that's how it always seemed to me. Like, finally getting that puppy or learning to drive. By passing those milestones, it'd signify that you were "growing up" or changing for the better.

In fact, there's not just ONE moment that signifies that "You are now an adult. Enjoy." It kinda just...happens. Those milestones are just markers of time that's slipping away from you until one day you wake up in a nursing home, not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror. It's just depressing to me that I have now done the thing I've sorta dreamed of since I was little and I don't feel a thing except change and overwhelming nostalgia.

I've always been one to cling to past, at least a little. I like taking a break from life and looking at the past and seeing how much has changed. Now I can look back at diary entries from when I was 12 and realize I was a complete idiot. And 10 years from now I will look back at this blog and realize I was a complete drama queen. Life. You gotta love it.

But time moves on and people grow apart or come closer. You meet new people and lose some old ones and everything is just the same, just different. It's all the same patterns just in different circumstance. Milestones are met, you wonder how in the world you got this far, and you move on. Such is life. Great.

It's just crazy to think that in a few years I'll graduate college. Then get a job. And then get married. And then have a kid. And then have some more kids. Then retire. And then see those kids go to college. Then have grandkids. And then have my spouse die. Then I myself will die. Ok, probably not all in that order, but I think I just summed up everyone's life-more or less.

OR I could get into a fatal accident and die a year from now. *sigh*

I should have less free time to ponder and more time being blissful at Disneyland.

Truth

We all lead such sad, unhappy lives.

Failure

Being the smart person that I am, I decided I wanted to be an actress and singer when I grew up.

I'm still waiting to grow up.

Failure is all I've met in my life when it comes to my career choice and true love. I love music. I love acting. But goddamn it, is it hard. It's so fucking hard. And when your tally board is Wins: 10 and Fails: 2,478,921, you get a little discouraged sometimes.

Now I'm not one to indulge myself in pity parties (at least not publicly :P), but I like to vent! And everyone is allowed to feel bad sometimes, no matter how good they've actually got it. Yes, kids are starving in Africa I KNOW. But I want to feel bad without feeling guilty GEEZ.

I just wish I could feel like I was good enough to be in this business. I just don't feel good enough! This city just slowly wears you down until your self esteem is skinnier than that chick you saw in Victoria's Secret. Rib cage shown for all to see. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone smarter, talented, prettier, skinnier, funnier, musical, hard-working, and just BETTER than you are. I KNOW this. I know it. And usually I don't let it get to me. But...but sometimes it just hits me and it hurts.

Because you don't want to look back 20 years down the line and realize it was all a waste of time. That every cent, thought, effort you put in was all for naught. That every headshot, resume, class, audition, car ride, workshop, membership, and all that precious money was just wasted. That you put your family in so much stress for something that never came true. That for wanting your name in lights, you screwed everything up. I don't want that.

But for every time I never get that call or email, I keep thinking that that's what's gonna happen.

LGMH

I couldn't help myself.

The end is coming!

In a week, I shall be a high schooler no more. It'll be on to *ugh* college. And I'll be done 6 months earlier than my friends in Texas, so suck on that, bitches! Haha, that's probably the only enjoyment I get from finishing early. But, I'm really sad that I never, ever got to go to a high school dance. I know that sounds lame, but it's something I'd always wanted to do. And it was never for a good reason, either! I could never go, not because of acting or some other important event, no, it was because I was forced to choose between not going or having my mother tag along. *Ahem* I rather stay at home, thanks.
 So, yeah, never got to wear the fancy dress and go with a group and rent a limousine. Never got to color coordinate with my date. Never got to get all sweaty and have my heels hurt on the dance floor. Never had a fancy dinner date. And I never got a corsage or those long teddy bear thingies that I've seen people wear for homecoming, whatever the fuck those are.
I don't know...I wish my high school years had been more "normal". At least while I was in public school (pretty much just freshman year and 2 months in 10th grade). But, no, they were not. Of course.
I loved being in charter school, though! For one, it was so goddamn easy! I'm graduating with straight A's :D! For another, the teachers were great, I made friends with a bunch of them. I also didn't have to talk to the students if I didn't want to! And when I did, the kids there were pretty cool and almost NO drama was involved! Then, they offered free camps! I got to go to Colorado and North California for FREE! The best experiences in my life, hands down. I also only had to go to school twice a week. For an hour. The only reason I'd go more is cuz I almost never did my work at home haha. Sorry, but some things never change. And they did offer a prom over at the House of Blue in Disney, but I didn't go. For three reasons: 1) Mom 2) Didn't really have a date 3) I was filming Destroy Build Destroy that day. Whatever.
All in all, I'm glad I'm finally done with my school education. Now it's off to higher learning! Which is the equivalent to higher bullshit! Fabulous. I don't want to go to college at all. I grew up thinking it was a MUST and that by the time it was time to finally go to college, I'd know what to do! Yeah...didn't happen that way. I have no idea what to study or what college I want to go to. I don't want to study something artistic, because I'd like to actually USE my degree to get a job, thank you very much. So, I need to find something that I'd LIKE to do and will also get me a steady income in year to come. Shouldn't be hard, right... Well, I'll just see in community college if there's anything that really interests me. Maybe I'll know what to do from there. Maybe.
Anyways, ends are just new beginnings.

Thankful

Tis the season to eat turkey, la la la la la, la la la laaa

Things I'm thankful for!

1) Having a house
2) Having great food to eat
3) Having a family that more or less is Ok
4) Knowing amazing people
5) Having someone amazing love me
6) Having the things that I do (Electronics, baby!)
7) Getting to live in LA!
8) Being able to go to Disney almost whenever I want! (Damn you blackout days)
9) The opportunities that have presented themselves over the years
10) My adorable dog, Whipped Cream
11) Having all my limbs & vital body parts in the right areas
12) Being usually smart enough to keep up
13) The fact that sooner or later, things usually work out
14) Having survived fairly well these past 17 years

What are YOU thankful for?

In rebuttal

I'm so mad! At just everything...well not everything, but just that things can't just be as they are. Why does he have to do this?! Like, just fuck everything up. What we had was a great, easy going friendship. It still WILL be, if I have anything to say about it. I'm not one to keep things awkward. Yeah, I knew he liked me, but he never acted on it (except for that one time >.<) and that suited me just fine. But now...
And I HAD to tell you. I didn't want to, with all my heart, but I HAD to! Not because I wanted to make you jealous or anything, but I was seriously freaking out and I had to make sure  I was doing OK. But I knew you'd take it badly. Who wants to know that their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever is getting declarations of love? But, you're also my friend, and I tell my friends everything.
I love that you're not some stupid restrictive guy who forces their chick to never contact males unless when necessary. If that were the case, I'd break up with you right then and there. I already have my parents, thank you very much. But I also love that you do get jealous. It means you care :).
Also, I'm insecure, too! HELL YEAH I'M INSECURE. I don't care WHAT you say, it'll take forever to convince me that I'm as perfect as you (and apparently other people) say I am! Of course I get jealous that other girls are always after you, though I'm not surprised. When we were "together" before, that always worried me, that some groupie chick would just attack you and wouldn't be able to help yourself. I mean, hey, if it's on a platter... Plus you're a musician and you're cute. Why the fuck would there NOT be groupies? If you were gay, there would still be chicks hoping to be your drunken mistake. SO, that being said, don't feel bad that you're jealous or insecure. Cuz guess what, honey, I'm right there with ya.
I'm so glad you trust me, because you should. I am proud to say that I have NEVER cheated :D. I always break up with the person if I want to be with someone else, none of this juggling shit I always hear about. I love you and if I didn't, I'd let you know. Best to be honest with someone. I mean, it makes no sense to cheat on someone. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to act single? Do both yourselves a favor and break up.
I know you're there and I'm here. But never, EVER forget that I love YOU. No one else. I care and love everyone else in a different way. But for now, I'm yours.
I love you :)

Empty

I keep walking past your room and keep feeling disappointed when I don't see you sitting or lying there.
I've been to the kitchen only a few times, because it reminds me too much of you.
I have your things in my room and they're an eerie reminder.
I just wish you were here to fill up the house with laughter and sound again.
Now everywhere we went together is tainted with memories.
See, you got to leave, but I still have to stay.
And see how empty it all is without you.

In an effort to explain myself properly

First off, I regret telling you about my parents. It was the wrong time to say it, I know, but I had to get it out, because I am an idiotic person who looks too much towards the future when it comes to the stuff that should be kept in the now. I just needed you to know that obstacles will always be in our way, wether it be distance or my folks. And that, we need to acknowledge how hard this is gonna be, whatever "this" is. All I know for sure is that you love me and I love you. I know how hard you tried, I could see it everyday. I love you more for it, more than you would think. Still, my parents are set in their ways and will never be able to accept you as someone I should be with. As a friend and a person, they actually think you're amazing and hilarious. But never anything more. That's just that. But just the fact that you tried, and that you even tried with Mark and Vicky (although some things you should've kept to yourself) was enough to just make me yours even more.

I know you're there and I'm here. I can definitely feel the separation, trust me. But, think, if you TRULY loved me as you say, would you really just make yourself disappear like that and leave me to fend for myself? Would you really leave me alone, just because we tasted the joy of us being together, then had to deal with the withdrawal of not having it everyday? Because, that'd be very selfish of you. Suicide is probably the most selfish thing ever, because the person NEVER, EVER thinks about how it would effect other people. It's always about how it would absolve THEM from the pain and not how it would cause pain to the ones they professed to love. I mean, how would YOU feel if I tried, not once, but twice, to kill myself? I doubt you'd be OK with it. If you would be OK with it, then obviously something's not right here.

I know it hurts. It hurts real bad. I can already feel it through my Skype window. But, see, the thing I've noticed with us is that we somehow always come back to each other. Have you noticed that? We've known each other for what, little over 3 years? And it's always some intense bliss then a long separation, just to get back together again. Not exactly an off and on thing, but something more along the lines of "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever." kind of thing. I don't know. I just know that, yeah, we're gonna have to deal with shit. And, who knows, maybe the day will come when we come to our sense and stop this for good. But for now, we're both crazy and I like it like that. Don't feel bad. Because guess what?

I love you.

This...sucks.

*sigh* OK, OK, I'm going to succumb to the teenage angst that is SO unavoidable. But, hey, I'm a teenager, better milk it while I can. I mean, it just won't look cool when I'm 30.

I...I miss him. Much more than I expected. I actually felt some sense of loss when he walked away and I shut the car door. ...Lame, huh? This past week was so...indescribable and amazing, how could I NOT feel sad that it's now gone. I achieved so many dreams and fantasies in just 7 days, it was incredible. Almost all of it played out like some cheesy rom-com. The actors had their lines down, there were bad guys, a great soundtrack, and amazing places. Seriously, I should write a screen play. It was like a vacation of sorts, but now it's back to the "real world". Bad things happened, of course, I mean, what's a movie without conflict? But the climax at the end was just as dramatic and amazing as it should have been. Whatever shit I'll have to deal with now, I can always just remember. And see, what they don't tell you is how the remembering is almost better than the real thing.

I just miss him so much.

Hacked

This girl is the best thing to happen to me. I flew to California to tell her I loved her, and the way she kisses me makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. I wish I could give her everything. <3

How Sad

How is it that you're right here with me, yet I already miss you? The impending doom of the date is coming and unfortunately, time won't slow down. After these few days, I really, truly don't know what I'll do when you leave. It's like I'm prematurely depressed. I know it's selfish of me to want you to stay, but that's how I feel.

You're right here and I already miss you.

Pleading

Please don't let the sparkle fade.
Please don't let it be so fast.
Is it because he's far away?
Is it because of the dilemma of You're There, I'm Here?
Don't let it go away.
Because there's an indulgence in getting to say "I love you" every time you leave.
Maybe I'm just in love with being in love?
I don't care,
He's steady; he's constant
Don't let it go away.

A thought on gender equality

I'm probably easily labeled as a feminist. When I was in 5th grade, I was assigned to portray Abigail Adams in our "Wax Museum", because I was so blatantly feminist. 10-year-old me would always indignantly ask why was it a guy who did so-and-so? Or commenting how girls could do the exact same thing! So my teacher noticed this and accordingly assigned me that. Not gonna lie, I wanted to be Jackie Kennedy, but looking back...good choice Mrs, Hemming.
Anyhoo, I personally am against labeling. And by saying this, I'm probably gonna be labeled as a poser cynical political lesbian or something, but I assure you, I am not (at least one of) those things. I try to be as unique as I can in my environment, but also acknowledge that originality is probably a non-existent concept. I also know when it's appropriate to conform or not. I'm not out to totally alienate myself from human interaction.
But ok, with this in mind, think of the word "feminist". Recently, I've considered it a bit of a taboo word. I only say this because I've seen many "feminists" that just piss me. I'm talking about the women who go ON AND ON about how whatever a man can do, women can do. Then they have an agenda against all men and skirts and a bit of lip gloss now and then. That's too extreme and women like that are just trying to prove a point in the wrong way. Or are battling with the knowledge that, yeah, they're probably lesbian. Either one.
An example of this type of woman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ271vVpYqM Fast forward to 4:00, unless you want to watch the whole thing. And yes, that was the lady who play Coach Bieste on Glee. She's been in a BUNCH of stuff.
But as I was saying, women are just as capable of what a man can do (and even more--yeah I'm talking about babies), but we just weren't built that way. I've read many articles about how a man's mind works differently than a woman's. It's true. Take anger, for instance. A man will most likely yell and shove. A woman will more likely keep it to herself as the fury builds until she acts on it. Does it make the anger less valid? No. They are just two different way of expressing it.
See, my idea of a feminist is someone who knows the importance of breaking the gender barrier, while knowing that there are differences between a man and a woman. There are double standards for everything. And this can be a good or bad thing.
One example is the pressure on men to be a certain kind of man. I was listening to this talk show with my dad in the car and the female host was talking about common manners that should be put to use again. She was starting off with what men should be expected to do. Right before the commercial break she said something to the effect of "And later, if the men have given up on the idea of being chivalrous, I'll be talking about what men think women should do." When I heard this I was immediately turned off. She was making it sound that by expecting women to abide by some classic manners and "rules", men weren't being chivalrous or were being sexist. I wholeheartedly disagree.
Although I might not classify myself as a "feminist", I AM a huge advocate for equal rights. A person should have the opportunity to have the same rights-and the same hardships and sacrifices-as everyone else. So, while I agree that there are some things men are expected to do, there are also a few things women should do as well. I'm thinking of courteous things or respectful things. People should be treated with respect, no matter the gender or "double standard". A few of these double standards have bothered me since I was little. Like the fact that a man is the lowest scum on the earth if he hits a woman, but a woman is justified in slapping the holy hell out of a man. Why does this bother me? It shouldn't right? I mean, yay, I can't get hit, but I can totally beat people up if I want! Well, it's sort of very sexist when you think about it. A man hitting a woman could be considered like someone kicking a dog. They're weaker, they're defenseless creatures, what did they ever do to you, you monster? So, it's a little degrading when you put it like that. Also, no one should ever justify hitting another person. Yeah, I said that, thus making me a total hypocrite, because I have definitely physically hurt people. STILL, I never said I was perfect. That's just what I think.

Venting

If there wasn't a you
I don't know what'd I do

I'd probably curl up somewhere
And never be able to watch a rom-com again

Life would cease to make sense
My heart would just be a mess

I wouldn't know who to hold, hug, or talk to
Who would I confide in then?

Just the thought of you ceasing to exist
Just POOF gone and with you

The promise of possibilities
The promise of strolls on the beach, ferris wheel sunsets, a walk down the aisle

All the things people in love should do
All you'd take with you

What can I do?
Just stand limply by, and try to make it easy

I just don't want you to leave
I don't want to eventually forget you lived

Because if you go and here I'm to stay
All the memories will go away

Your footprint on this earth will fade
And with it the chance to feel sane

I'll never be the same
You've already changed me enough

Don't go ahead and take a part of me with you
It wouldn't be fair

It would just suck
And would you really do that to me??

After all the promises and fantasies
After all the declarations of love?

Was that all a bust?
All just a big ruse?

I need something to hold on to
When you slip through my hands

Please leave me with something solid
Or better yet, don't leave at all.

In the wake of devastating news...

I wanted to make a list. It seems to me that lists will soon become prominent in my life.

Reasons Why I Love HIM

--A list by Me

1) He makes me laugh

2) He's so talented

3) When he sings and plays guitar, it melts my heart

4) He's crazy smart

5) He's gone through more than I have and I respect that

6) He knows how to put a smile on my face

7) He knows how to make me cry

8) He's made me angry and hurt in a way I've experienced only a few times

9) He's always there for me

10) He's pretty cute ;)

11) He's inspirational

12) He's misunderstood

13) He's one of the most romantic sweethearts you'll have the pleasure to meet

14) He's a total bad ass

15) He is MUCH more fit than I am

16) He's different

17) He is passionate in what he believes in

18) He's experimental

19) He's got this uncanny ability to make me miss him so much

20) He can be so far, yet feel so near

21) His hugs are amazing and I hope all of you get to be hugged by him at least once

22) He can act like no other and is worthy of a million Oscars

23) He's intimidating

24) He's inviting

25) He always seems to understand

26) His laugh is infectious

27) When he closes his eyes, he looks so...amazing. I have no idea how to explain this.

28) He's vulnerable

29) He's a tough motherfucker

30) He writes so poignantly

31) His hands are almost made to be perfectly intertwined with

32) He can use his hands to beat the shit out of you...or play guitar, either one.

33) When he's feeling talkative, he's an awesome texter!

34) He can be very contemplative

35) His smile can light up his whole face.

36) He's got very straight teeth, I don't know why I'm fascinated by this.

37) He's crazy

38) He's inappropriate

39) He's a gentleman

40) He's so predictable sometimes

41) I never know what's going through his head

42) He's complex

43) He's a strong person

44) He knows what's right and what's wrong

45) Has no problem with breaking the rules sometimes ;P

46) Is insecure

47) He can be very cocky

48) His shoulders are a very nice place to rest your head on

49) He's a very beautiful person

50) He's got balls and is very brave

51) I like his hair.

52) Is so aggravating and confusing sometimes!

53) Can get pretty annoying

54) He photographs well

55) He has GREAT taste: in music, movies, clothes (most of the time :P), TV shows, etc

56) He's got great ideas.

57) He's a goofball

58) He's awesome at Parkour and I'm jealous.

59) He's a dreamer

60) He wants to fly and so do I.

61) He makes me feel beautiful and confident

62) He's so awesome that I keep adding more and more to the list, even after I think I'm done

63) He can get me to stay up super late

64) He's all mine <3

I love you. But you already knew that ;)

Who's Responsible for Death?

I've just read an article on Troy Davis, a man who has escaped the lethal injection narrowly several times, but still remains on Death Row due to him being black. After reading this I was just so angry and sick that after all this time WE'RE STILL THERE. We're STILL at that point where the color of your skin can determine what kind of a person you are. It is 2011! And we still judge each other by unimportant factors. No matter if your white, black, Hispanic, gay, lesbian, poor, rich, you shouldn't have to die because someone didn't like your uncontrollable circumstance. They should dislike you for you actions or your character. This man has had serious doubts on whether he's innocent or not and most of the evidence or lack there of tend to point to innocent yet he could be dead soon. Just because he's black. Tell me that's fair. Please explain to me how that is the epitomy of legal justice. Please. Politicians in favor of the death penalty use the argument that the injection should be left for the "worst of the worst". But, is any human even entitled to decide the fate of another? You can bring up Osama Bin Laden and Sadamn Hussein, tell me there were monsters who killed masses of people. That's true. But, we as a people turned into monsters when we decided to CELEBRATE death. Cheer. Flood the streets and set off fireworks. Because someone died. To me it's as if your close enemy died and you popped a bottle of champagne. Would you actually do that if you actually knew the person, even if only as a nemessis or hurtful being? Murder is a hard thing to justify, folks. Wars are even harder. In the end, does I really benefit people? Yeah, maybe, centuries from now when they're read in a history book. But now? We just get some land, "pride", and a lot of dead bodies. Does it really work to get "an eye for an eye"? Especially when a lot of times it's based on the most senseless "principles" or ideas? Please explain your rational to me and I'll gladly listen. But, unless someone can make sense of all this, I'll just sit back and wonder why.

The 17 Day Diet- Day 14

Today I actually felt full for once! YAAAY! Hopefully that doesn't mean that I gained any pounds...I'll see tomorrow morning. Breakfast was a hefty one, mostly because I didn't want to just leave a bunch of yolks in egg shells. I had 3 eggs in total, that means 3 yolks and 1 part of the whites. Crazy, huh? I added some salt and 2 cups of almond milk to complement the meal. Afterwards, I ate a black plum, because I always want to take advantage of the fact that I can eat fruits before 2. I always seem to crave fruits at night, which pisses me off. For lunch, I finally got my Chipotle fix! I had a bowl with chicken, black beans, corn, a LITTLE bit of sour cream, cheese, tomatoes, and LOTS of lettuce. Freaking delicious. I actually felt bloated after that! After that delicious lunch, my mom, brother, and I went off to Hollywood blvd where the tourists and freaks are. I got to go to this great place called Bettie Page which sells 50's style pin up dresses! I had a blast. Anyhoo, after walking around, my mom was craving some yogurt, but the place she found was some local place. They only had 3 flavors and didn't have any nutritional information. I passed on the yogurt. Actually not as hard as it sounds. I wasn't that hungry and if I was gonna splurge on yogurt, it was gonna be Yogurtland all the way. For dinner at home, I brewed me a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lime and a cup of almond silk milk. That was all I really needed! Chipotle really hit the spot.

Today's weight: 122.8 lbs

Chivalry is Dead...Because of Me.

Chivalry is dead because of me. I only state this fact because I am just REALLY awkward when it comes to guys or boyfriends doing something nice for me. Yes, I LOVE it when a guy opens the door for me or opens the car door for me, but then I feel compelled to leave the door open for him when he walks in or feel weird just sitting there as he walks around the car just to open the door when I could've done it in 5 seconds. Maybe it's a practical pig complex? I don't know. I mean, I'm so used to being the guys girl that when it comes time to embrace my inner princess, I seem more like Princess Fiona than Snow White. I also feel weird when a guy wants to pay for the meal or ticket. YES, I am secretly thanking God that you offered, because I'm totally short on cash right now, but I just feel bad! So, I offer to split it. And then they seem mortally offended that I even said those words! "Split it?! Is that how you think of me?!" ...Not really those exact words, but you get the drift. Or when I'm carrying something heavy. Unless it's furniture or 20 boxes of watermelons, it's OK, I can handle it. Then-BAM-"Here let me help you." "Aw, thank you, but I can do it..." "No, it's OK *take*." And then I'm left standing there empty handed as Prince Charming struggles. Or so that's how it seems in my mind.

I also seem to think guys have ulterior motives, as if they can't be nice JUST TO BE NICE! What? Preposterous! Ludicrous! These are teenage boys we're talking about! But, time and time again, whenever I bring up these issues with the guy at the time, they usually reply with "Well...isn't that what you want me to do?" or "But, I just want to be nice!" OR "I do it because I want to do it for you!". How very nice. Still, it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Maybe it's the anti-Barbie approach that we've been instilled with since I was a little girl. It's a bit mixed. My parents have always said how a guy should "treat me right", but that I "can't take any shit." Hm...this leads me to my next point.

Now, here's the part where I feel I should get better therapy than the Internet. Sometimes I DO pay for both movie tickets, or the whole meal, or go around with 5 different bags on each arm while they chill. I get secretly pissed! Oh, so you DON'T see me here with the bill, taking forever to get my debit card, hoping you'll offer to split it? Oh, that's OK, I can carry 10 heavy bags real easily! Oh, hey, maybe YOU should by the popcorn, buddy! What is wrong with me?! CHOOSE A SIDE! Either it's yes, let him be the "man" in this  relationship or no, I wear the pants, albeit with some sparkles on it. It's just madness. (No, this is SPARTA! ...I'm hopeless.)

I think that I just want the guy to OFFER his chivalrous services so I can turn them down in that feminist way us modern girls love so much. Don't get me wrong, though, there are somethings I'll take in stride that a guy does. It's just that I'm a very awkward person in general and not very used to the whole "Oh, I'm a girl, too!" part. Maybe next time when a guy wants to be nice just to be nice, I'll just chill and enjoy the fact that a sweet guy wants to pull out a chair for me! ...Even if I end up falling on my butt.

The 17 Day diet- Day 13

Hm, today was interesting...because I ate lunch with my teacher! I mean, don't get me wrong, he is the COOLEST teacher in the history of cool teachers. I love him so much haha. But still, I see him WAY too often out of the classroom than should be necessary. Breakfast started with 2 natural eggs over easy instead of my usual scramble. Again, with only one yolk and some salt. Then I sliced 5 large strawberries and added the necessary cottage cheese to the mix, all yummy stuff here. When I got to school, they were having a pizza party downstairs! The temptation...the temptation! So much pizza lately! The first thing I'm gonna do when my first 17 days are up is eat a huge whole-wheat pizza. It really sucked because all the teachers and students kept asking me if I'd gotten pizza and I had to explain that, No, I hadn't since I'm on a diet. For lunch, my mother, sister, teacher, and I went to a Korean BBQ place that I had passed all the time, but had never been. My teacher recommended it, saying the food was good and they had reasonable prices. So, I ordered the chicken combo that came with rice (*gasp!*), fruit (*double gasp-it's after 2 pm!*), and veggies (*Yaaay*). I shared it with my sister-a.k.a. I had the chicken and veggies, she had a little bit of chicken, rice, and my mom had the fruit. It was really cool and my teacher was awesome as usual. The chicken wasn't bad either. And that was it for the day. When I got home I popped in 2 sticks of gum and 2 cups of chamomile tea. The second cup freaked me out because I legit thought there was an ant in my tea. didn't make it fun to drink out of afterwards. But it was all good. So, that was today! Almost done!

Today's wight: 123. 7 lbs (I don't really think I gained weight, I think I recorded the other measurement wrong...)

The 17 Day Diet-Day 12

So, I started off the day with some healthy eggs! :D 2 eggs scrambled, but only one yolk ..And yeah, a LITTLE bit of salt. Come on, I gotta have my tasty eggs in the morning. Then I rounded it all off with a black plum, which are so yummy. I just love the tangy skin! For lunch, I was craving Chipotle REALLY BADLY and we were gonna go (my head was filled with fantasies of salad bowls with beans and chicken), but...the line was CRAZY long and we were in a hurry. *cue tears of overwhelming sadness* Then I suggested we go to the Vietnamese Pho place right next door instead. I had, wait for it, FIVE shrimp spring rolls. Minus the shrimp, because I hate shrimp. And sushi. And fish. And seafood in general. The peanut sauce was scrumpdiliumptious and I had lots of veggies. Yeah, ok, I might ave cheated a little, because they're wrapped in paper rice...BUT WHATEVER. IT WAS MOSTLY HEALTHY. GOSH. Then, once I got home, I had A LOT of the leftover marinated chicken I made (Mmm, I'm an awesome cook). And for snacks I had 2 mozzarella cheese sticks. They're so fun to eat! That was about it for my eating adventures for that day!

Today's weight: 122.9 lbs (I THINK...I'm leaning more towards a miscalculation...)

Recipe for the perfect Genesis!

In the spirit of all the food, I thought I'd supply a recipe for your very own Genesis, since I know they're very in demand right now.

Ingredients:

• 5 cups Water
• 2 cups Fat
• 1 1/2 cup talent
• 3 cups self-deprecation
• 2 cups of tears
• 2 tablespoons of Whipped Cream (the dog)
• 7 cups of relationships to family, friends, and boys
• 3 cups of love
• 4 tablespoons of cynicism
• 1 teaspoon of naivete
• 3 teaspoons of shyness
• 4 tablespoons of Chemical X
• 4 tablespoons of Venezuela and Croatia
• 1 lock of hair
• 3 and one article of magazines and catalogs of clothes
• 1 cup chocolate
• 7 cups weirdness
• 4 1/2 cups of procrastination
• 6 cups of good music
• 1 tablespoon dorkiness
• 1 library full of books

Directions:

Pre-heat oven to Fahrenheit 451 degrees. Put all the ingredients except for cynicism and 1 cup of tears in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Pour in cupcake pan and put in the oven for 13 years. Take it out and add the cynicism and the other cup of tears. Put in the oven for 4 more years then let it out to cool. Cool until it’s too cool for school (or a pale-ish skin). Serve immediately after done. Serves about every person.

The 17 Day Diet- Day 11

God, this is so hard. I think I'm starving myself, I'm only eating 700 calories a day! Not because I WANT to go hungry, but because  I can't think of enough stuff to eat that won't make me fat! Dear lord, just let me be skinny already! And my goddamn mother is not helping. *sigh* So, for breakfast, I ate a plum and milk and those mozzarella string cheese sticks that are so amusing to eat. Then I made marinated grilled chicken breast myself! What, what! I added all the spices I wanted and it didn't turn out half bad. I think the way my mom did it was better, but hey! First time, k? K. So I had a few peices of those, since I couldn't have what my mom got for my brother and sister...-_- She got 3 frozen pizzas and cooked, not one, but TWO pepperoni pizzas for them to enjoy while I had to make my chicken. THE TORTURE. I'm telling you, I came THIS close to eating some. THIS. CLOSE. I don't think you understand how close, I needed to chew a whole packet of gum just to trick my tummy. Seriously, I was worse than a chain smoker, it was just gum stick after gum stick. Then I had more milk and more chicken for dinner, plus one more cheese stick. Even though it has high fructose syrup AND had fruits in it, I ate a Yoplait Light Strawberry yogurt. I'm sorry, I HAD to! I just need to be skinny, argh...I've been losing the weight, but not the fat. I'm gonna have to work out more...

Today's weight: 123.9 lbs

The 17 Day Diet- Day 10

Alright, so today I had a rushed morning so I ate 5 huge strawberries and cottage cheese and some milk to start off with. Since I was going to school, I'd be less likely to just lounge around and eat whatever is in my fridge. But, during lunch break, i was so hungry and tired I had to go eat something much more substantial. We went to Panera! I love that place, but it was total torture, seeing all that yummy bread and pastries I could have been having, but ultimately, couldn't. I had the You Pick Two special, with Caesar Salad (yes, with dressing. Some things I just can't NOT do!) and the delicious Creamy Tomato soup. I had the choice to have either a baguette (delicious), chips (meh), or apple (it was red, so yuck) as a side, so I went with red. Why tempt myself even further right? Both the tomato and salad came with croutons on top, but I just put them aside. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! XD Then, after getting home super late, I ate the last 3 little pieces of marinated chicken and 2 cups of Silk Almond Milk. Not much, but I've been getting by by just chomping down sticks of gum like a crazy horse, just chew, chew, chew, chew! Keeps my mind off wanting to eat. I'd LIKE to eat more, but I don't really know what's on or off limits! Well, hopefully tomorrow I'll eat more.

Today's weight: 124.2 lbs

The 17 Day Diet- Day 9

Again, didn't update! And I forgot to weigh myself for today! The hell is wrong with my lazy ass? Let's see if I can remember what I ate...breakfast was...OMG CHEATER! I ate a banana! Bad, Genesis, bad! I made a peanut butter and banana smoothie and i used one whole banana! Temptation won out :( Same recipe as last time, but with 2 tablespoons of honey instead of 1 and 1 ripe banana. It was so freaking delicious. Then for lunch I ate...chicken again, I think. And for dinner too...I really don't remember! What a pathetic little post. I'll update if I do remember!

***UPDATE***

Alright, I remember that we went to the beach! And since I couldn't eat fruits after 2 pm, I brought some baby carrot sticks and Mozzarella string cheese to snack on while I frolicked in the sand. That's all I could remember xD

The 17 Day Diet- Day 8

Another creative day! This morning I went crazy with the fruits. I ate some of the green apple slices and peanut butter from Traders Joe and a black plum. Yum. I paired that with chamomile tea and almond silk milk. Still, I wanted to take advantage of the fruits before 2 o'clock rule so I thought I'd get creative. I Googled (instead of Binged like my lame sister--Binged, really...) some recipes for a Peanut Butter smoothie. I found one, but it was with bananas, because peanut butter goes well with bananas, BUT  I can't eat bananas, so I was like THAT SHIT IS BANANAS, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! And decided to substitute it with strawberries. The recipe goes as follows: 2 (I made it 3) tablespoons of  creamy peanut butter (I used the Traders Joe one); 1 tablespoon of honey; 1 cup of milk (I used fat free); 3 strawberries. It makes about 1 1/2 cups of smoothie. First you add the peanut butter, honey, and strawberries in the blender and blend them for a bit. Then you add the milk and blend until it's frothy. You then serve and enjoy! I gotta say, the taste was a little weird at first! I think that peanut butter and strawberries are only allowed to mix when the strawberries are in jam form. Still, it was good. I was pretty proud of my creative epicness haha. Afterwards, I went with my dad grocery shopping so I could have something healthy to eat for once! I got eggs (omelet time), gum (for those gnawing stomach feelings), carrots (they prevent aging!), and post it notes (for inspirational "You'll be skinny one day!" notes. Once I got back home, my mom prepared me a salad with carrots, lettuce, mozzarella cheese pieces and lots of lime. I had that with the same chicken I had yesterday, so it made for a super good and filling meal. Plus my usual tea. I don't know how my bladders are handling all this liquid. No exercise for today, but it's OK. Maybe tomorrow? But I don't know...my weight loss has been stalling around 124 lbs, not a lot of weight loss going on...Let's hope my calorie counter wasn't right in saying that my weight loss would be stalled if I eat less than 1, 200 calories a day O.o

PS: Happy (?) 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks...never forget.

Today's weight: 124.9 lbs

The 17 Day Diet-Day 7

A week, my friends. I have gotten through the first week of this madness. So, started the day off getting a little creative. I Googled some ideas for a healthy Strawberry smoothie. In the end though, I just kinda did it all by myself. First I got 5 small strawberries from the bottom of the new pile, because I wanted to save the big, nice ones for the cottage cheese-fest I'm sure to have later. I washed them and put them in the blender. Then I added maybe 2 cups of fat free milk and a dollop of plain fat free yogurt and about a tablespoonful of cane sugar (the brown one). I blended it for a bit with some ice and that was it. It tasted a little bland, just creamy strawberries, but I thought of topping it with cinnamon powder. It really made a difference, plus cinnamon is super good for you. Bonus! After that I had 2 more bowls of that yummy lentil soup my mom had made. She likes to cook stuff in HUGE amounts, so we always have left overs. Something I've done a lot in this past week is eat the left overs. I usually don't do that, finding left overs to just be disgusting, but seeing as my options are limited, I just keep eating the same old things over and over again. It's a security thing. Anyhoo, after that, my mom and I decided to walk to Wal-Mart. The nearest Wal-Mart to us is about 2 miles from our house. So, even though we were just walking leisurely, we managed to burn 211 calories! Nice! We thought about buying a bicycle for $100, but in the end, my mom decided against it. I REALLY want a bicycle, but we have so much other stuff to spend 100 bucks on. It got dark and we didn't want to walk around at night (trust me, sometimes you get the most interesting characters after sunset), so we went and waited for my dad at the Yogurtland across from Wal-Mart. Now, Yougurtland is my place. I LOVE Yogurtland, it's WAY better than stupid Pinkberry or Tutti Fruitti or whatever non-chain place you go to. It's cheap and they have great flavors and toppings. Plus, right now they have this great promotion going on where their cups and spoons are all Hello Kitty inspired! Seriously. I love Yogurtland. Another reason why Yogurtland is so great is that they have really healthy and tasty yogurt over there, so I was able to have some! I got a little bit of French Vanilla and Red Velvet Cake Batter, both non fat and gluten free with only a little bit of sugar and calories. I topped it all off with chopped peanuts and walnuts, since I can't eat fruit after 2 pm. Yummy and nutritious! Oh, I forgot to mention that I bought a pack of gum while I was at Wal-Mart. I read online that a great way to keep your mind off your hunger is to chew gum, drink water, of go for a walk. I can do all three if I need to! And gum's only 5 calories with no sugar MUAHA. Now, when I got home, it was pretty late, but I decided to ask my mom to teach me how to do that delicious chicken she always does. I'm not a complete failure when it comes to cooking and after she explained, it turned out to be pretty easy. The only hard part is knowing which spices will make it taste better. So, first you grab a frozen chicken breast, douse it in water and put it in a pan. You then put about 1 lime worth of juice on it. Cover it up with aluminum foil and let it to just sit there cooking until it's soft. Then take it out of the pan and cut it up, still raw. Put it back in the pan and add the spices. I put garlic and herbs, parsley, cumin, salt, rosemary, and an all purpose one. Just really lay it on, the more the merrier, but of course, there's a limit. Just ball park it. Then let the cut up pieces of chicken simmer in the juice until they're thoroughly cooked and viola! Yummy marinated chicken breast! Look, I just provided not one but TWO recipes today! More bang for you buck! ...Even though this blog is free. Whatever, it's the thought that counts. I then ended with 2 cups of Almond Silk Milk and a cup of chamomile tea. Awesome stuff today.

Today's weight: 124. 9 lbs

The 17 Day Diet-Day 6

What a day, what a day. Alright so breakfast! I reverted back to my strawberries and cottage cheese routine, using up the last small, soggy strawberries left in the bin. Not TOO yummy, but hey, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And yes, that means eat soggy strawberries. Tragic. Then I did something crazy. I. Went. Outside. And. Jogged. *Insert dramatic reveal music here* See, with me, I have to do it all in impulse. Like this diet, or this blog! All I decided to do on impulse. Of course there's always an underlying reason for my impulsion (blog-boredom and a place to just ponder, diet-revenge and self-confidence) So, i just decided to go out today and run. Didn't matter what time it was or anything, just put on some shorts and a tank and grabbed my dog, Whipped Cream. First of all, it was like 1:40 in the afternoon, so I was immediately blinded when I went outside. And it was pretty hot. It was hilarious because after some brisk walking and a few minutes of jogging, Creamy got tired. I jogged back home while carrying her and just left her inside, where my mom told me she just laid on the tiles and slept for a bit. Aww, poor baby. Hey, she's only a Maltese and she's getting old, gonna turn 4 in December. Anyhoo, I was pretty tired, too, but  itold myself I had to be out there for at least 30 minutes, walking or jogging. I put on Pandora and listened to some 70's rock. Then Journey's Don't Stop Believing came on! Perfect! I started fist pumping epically, think a few people might have seen me, and timed my jogging to match the "Don't stop, believing!" part. I felt pretty epic. Then Megan texted me to tell me that her initial 17 days are up! She can eat bread now! LET THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS SING! She told me it's only whole wheat, obviously, and that she won't really go crazy with it. The next 2 weeks will be maintenance just to keep off the weight, then she can eat like a normal person again! But her portions will be smaller so she won't turn into a Mcdonald's spokesperson once she's off the diet. So, after I got home from that 184-calorie-burning task, I got to eat some homemade yummy-ness. My mom made that delicious lemon marinated chicken breast I love so much and some damn good lentil bean soup. I had two bowls of the soup, it was so good and I needed the calories. Then I got to FINALLY watch The Help. I have the audio book and I love it, so I was so excited to see it. It's even cooler because one of the women who does the voice for the character of Minny on the audio book plays her in the movie! But, man, the smell of popcorn was almost too much. Still, I made it through and got home starving. I had a huge serving of the chicken breast with some herbal tea. Then a cup of that almond milk with honey. It was MM MM good!

Today's weight: 124.1 lbs

The 17 Day Diet-Day 5

Oops, got lazy last night and didn't update. No matter, I'll just make it look like I posted it last night MUAHA. So, yesterday I began with that yummy gluten free Trader's Joe peanut butter and green apples, with chamomile tea, honey, and lime, plus a cup of almond silk milk. YUM. For lunch, I did the unthinkable. I went to In N Out! I totally checked with Megan though, just to make sure it was OK. I got a protein style cheeseburger, which pretty much means it's the contents of a cheeseburger with a giant piece of lettuce wrapped around it instead of two buns. Very yummy and apparently nutritious, even though it's a little high on sodium. I had no fries (duh, plus they suck over at In N out) and no shake (another duh, but, again, they suck over there-I pretty much just go for the burgers). After my lunch, I had to go record a song in the studio. Whenever I record I always end up going to the bathroom at least 7 times, no exaggeration at all. I wound up drinking 2 medium size bottles of water and a super large cup of Lipton's tea with honey and lemon. Could not stop going all day. Then for dinner, off to a the Vietnamese! I LOVE pho, but it's full of noodles, so pho does not love me, but I made do with 3 spring rolls with shrimp. Now, I hate shrimp (and any sea food for that matter, which does not help my diet. Fish is super good for you), but whenever I eat spring rolls I always wind up giving them to the rest of my family, because they ALL love sea food. And mmm, their peanut sauce is so good! Plus some hoisin sauce, oh man I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Then I got home and rounded it all off with another tea. Yummy yummy in my tummy.


Today's weight: 125.9 lbs

I'm the shack, They're the mansion

You know what's a really sad feeling? The feeling of being passed over. Just...not as good as something else. Knowing that there will always be something or someone better than you, no matter what you do. It's because human appetite is one that was never meant to be satisfied. Whether it was have a bigger kill when we were cavemen to having the best house on the street nowadays. Always competing for more, no matter what you already have. I'm not above this either, obviously. I'm not a hypocrite. But still...when you're the tiny shack that people want to get out of so they can get to the mansion...it's a little depressing. You're a pretty good little shack, as shacks go, but still, what can a shack compare to a mansion? You'll never win.

Just a thought.

The 17 Day Diet- Day 4

Ugh, I think I might have cheated with out knowing it. Nah, probably not, but at least I'll know for sure with this new app Megan told me about! I put in my weight and how much I exercise and it calculates how much calorie intake I should have a day. It's called the Myfitnesspal App and it's awesome. I used it today for my mother and I. I enter our food intake (including restaurant food) and it tells you if you've gone over or not. My mom totally failed and went over but I didn't! I still have 370 calories remaining for today out of 1, 200 that I'm allowed. What what! But, I just checked and it said I might be in starvation mode O.o I'm not TRYING to be anorexic here! I'll need to make it 1, 200 even for tomorrow, if not it can slow down my metabolism and make me lose weight slower. So, for today I started off the morning weighing myself, as it's best to weigh yourself when you wake up. You get the most accurate results. Then I ate eggs! With cheese and ham! My mom only had yolks, as she used up all the whites before. Still, it was pretty good. Then I went to Trader's Joe and found healthy-yet yummy-peanut butter, my one true vice! It was gluten free, aw yeah! I was a little too excited. Then I got some sliced granny apples (because red ones suck, sorry) and made a yummy little snack/lunch. After a while, mom and I headed to Elephant Bar to grab some appetizers. I had a really delicious tomato basil soup (410 calories), while my mom had the chicken lettuce wraps. The wok chicken and lettuce wraps are deceptively healthy looking! I checked my app--2, 030 mg of sodium!! What the hell?! Sure it's 570 calories, but come on! It's not JUST about the calories. So, this app is really great for just keeping track. It seemed a little complicated and too much of a hassle at first, but it's turning out to be more useful than I expected. I'm really big on keeping it simple, none of that calorie calculating and writing down every little thing you eat and weighing your food--none of that. This app does a lot of it for me though, plus it's on my phone so I can just type in the into as I'm eating so I don't forget later. Then I can use it to update this blog! Win win! So, that's all for today. Tomorrow I vow to eat a little more! (Now that's something I didnt' expect to say while dieting...)

Today's weight: 126.4 lbs

Cynical Ponderings on Fairytales

We interrupt our daily diet with a message from our sponsers:

FAIRY TALES SUCK. That is all.

No, but seriously. This is something I've wondered for a while, nor am I the first or will be the last to think these things. Recently, I reread one of my favorite books, Ella Enchanted, on a whim. I got it when I was in 3rd grade and have loved it ever since. It's a truly refreshing take on the story Cinderella. When I was little, I didn't even realize it was Cinderella, but maybe because I wasn't that bright. I don't know. You guys might know the title Ella Enchanted from the Disney movie with Anne Hathaway. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Anne Hathaway and the movie was cute and clever in it's own right, but please, PLEASE, do NOT compare that movie to the book. Do not. I will hurt you. They are two very separate things. The book is really much more complex, romantic, and funny than a "kids" book should be. It deals with a girl, Ella, who is given the gift of obedience and her quest to break the spell. Along the way, she meets Prince Char and they become friends. After a series of adventures, she's stuck with her odious step mother and sisters and she writes to Char while he's abroad. This is where one of my favorite exchanges happen:

Dear Ella,

        Impatience is not usually my weakness. But your letters torment me. They make me long to saddle my horse and ride to Frell [their city], where I would make you explain yourself. They are playful, interesting, thoughtful, and (occasionally) serious. I'm overjoyed to receive them, yet they bring misery. You say little of your daily life; I have no idea how you occupy yourself. I don't mind; I enjoy guessing at the mystery. But what I really long to know you do not tell either: what you feel, although I've given you hints by the score of my regard. You like me. You wouldn't waste time or paper on a being you didn't like. But I think I've loved you since we met at your mother's funeral. I want to be with you forever and beyond, but you write that you are too young to marry, or too old or too short or too hungry--until I crumple your letters up in despair, only to smooth them out again for a twelfth reading, hunting for hidden meanings. Father asks frequently in his letters whether I fancy any Ayorthanian [country where he's at] young lady or any in our acquaintance at home. I say no. I suppose I'm confessing another fault: pride. I don't want him to know I love if my affections are not returned. You would charm him, and Mother too. They would be yours completely. As I am. What a beautiful bride you'll be, whomever you marry at whatever age. And what a queen if I am the man! Who has your grace? Your expression? Your voice? I could extol your virtues endlessly, but I want you to finish reading and answer me quickly. Today I cannot write of Ayortha or my doings or anything. I can only post this and wait.

Love (it is such relief to pen the world), love, love--Char
 
That last line is my favorite. OK, tell me you didn't sigh with envy? Only me? Great. Now, explain to me this: how could this be considered poisonous for a young, naive 3rd grade girl? By the way they make it sound that any relationship will come out like this or that any guy will write you something like that or that it's OK if you write something like this to a boy! Guess what, little 3rd  grade me, it doesn't work that way. And sometimes I STILL have to remind myself of that in present day. This completely unrealistic portrayal of love has made me very disappointed in life. Sure, you can say that's my own fault for being so damn romantic, but you know that's not true. Disney has easily made bank of teaching little girls to wait for Prince Charming. Go take a listen to Sara Bareilles' song "Fairytale" to get a hint of what I'm getting at:

Cinderella's on the bedroom floor, she's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store
But Mr. Charming don't come home anymore, and she forgets why she came here

Sing it, girl. All I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be instilling these ideas into young girls. It really can affect them. It's screwed up many a relationship of mine. How? By expecting too much. Like Twilight! You hear these girls wanting an Edward and breaking up with their boyfriends because they're not sophisticated or insanely committed. They're teenage guys. The only thing they're committed to is porn and xbox. We girls know this, but still! We're caught up in the fantasy of the possibility of having the love that these characters have, of having that happily ever after. Now, I'm not saying that we should all become sluts and lead our lives like those in Gossip Girl, but we DO need to teach realistic love, not idealistic. It hurts, but in the end, it'll be so much better.

The 17 Day Diet-Day 3

Trudge on, lads, trudge on! So, same thing in the morning, strawberries and cottage cheese. I was planning on eating the same for tomorrow, but I'm getting sick of it. Best not have too much of a good thing. Then we went to Ikea (surprise surprise--my friend Megan thinks I should go to the doctor for my apparent obsession with the Swedish furniture store), but this time I really didn't want to go. I was totally craving some chicken in lettuce wraps from either Elephant Bar of California Pizza Kitchen. But, as Ikea sells relatively edible food at cheap prices, my mom insisted on going there. I made the mistake of trying something new and uncharted-The Greek Salad-KNOWING that I hate tomatoes, onions, and olives. And they pretty much made up the salad. I thought it could be mind over matter, just force myself to eat it. Yeah...that didn't work so well. I ended up only eating the lettuce and feta cheese, while everyone else ate delicious pasta and freaking pastries like chocolate-freaking-cake in front of me! My mom was pissed that she pretty much wasted $4 on a salad I didn't eat, and I just ended up feeling starved. But, what's a better way to distract a starving stomach? Another starving stomach! Megan's to be specific! At least...I think she was starving. I got to meet up with my friend who I'm doing the diet with for the first time since May. Needless to say, we squealed and hugged and complained how much dieting sucks and relished on how awesome we would look once we were done. In that order. Tip: It's so much more fun to have someone suffering with you when you're doing exercise or diets. You support each other and you'll always have someone to "Yeah, I know how you feel" with. After pretty much talking about boys and saying weird things and taking pictures and listing more lists without commas, my friend and I parted. I got home and my mom made me the same delicious chicken breast as yesterday. So yummy. Add that with another cup of tea and water and that's my nutrition intake for the day. Until tomorrow!

Today's weight: 131.1 lbs

The 17 Day Diet-Day 2

Today was Day 2 of the diet I'm trying out and I swear, my mother is TRYING to get me to cheat or something. We went to Ikea and had to deal with all the yummy Swedish foods, plus my mother bought Swedish pancakes, which I love! But they're a big no no. So, there they are. Staring at me in the freezer. Just daring me to go heat them up with some honey. Goddamn you. Anyhoo, I didn't fail. This morning I ate strawberries again with cream cheese. I think I'll be doing this until the strawberries run out, then I'll switch to apples. Then my mom made black beans. I wasn't sure if I could eat them or not, because they're technically carbs, even though they're filled with protein and nutrients. I checked with Megan, my now go-to diet guru, and she said she and her mom have been living off of beans. Alright, sweet, beans are good, if a bit gassy :P. So, I ate a bowl. Then I had Japanese herbal tea. After the Ikea torture, I heated up the delicious grilled chicken breast my mom had made earlier, marinated with lemon and Rosemary. My mouth's watering and I just ate it. I accompanied it with some flaxseed and water for fiber and Japanese tea again. And that was it! So far, so good. I'm just worried about tomorrow, where I'll be out all day and be forced to eat out. I'll have to put my will pier to the test. It's just so easy to slip up at restaurants!

Today's weight: 133.4 lbs

PS: Happy Labor Day for all you employed and pregnant individuals out there! :D

The 17 Day Diet

It's been almost a year since I've come on here! One of my great friends, Megan, has started a new diet called "The 17 Day Diet" and has already seen results. And I really need to lose the weight, so I've decided to do it myself! I've "tried" to do diets before, but all to no avail. Probably because I'm super lazy and undisciplined. Hey, at least I admitted it. So, to help me in this task, I've decided to use this old thing again to track my progress. Better than Facebook or Twitter anyway.

The Diet:

So, there's a few guidelines. First, I can't have any bread or heavy carbs like potatoes for 17 days. I also can't have bananas, but other fruits are OK, but only if I eat them before 2 pm. Dairy products are also fine to eat, but everything in moderation, of course. The only sure things I'm allowed to live off of are veggies, grilled chicken, and fish (ugh). I'm also supposed to drink green tea in the morning, but my parents are under the impression that it's cancerous, so I can't drink it. But I CAN drink Japanese herbal tea and chamomile tea. Chamomile is my recent food obsession, with cinnamon, honey, and lime. Mmm. So, after the 17 days, then I'm allowed to eat carbs, but only whole wheat (which I did anyway).This is the plan I'll be sticking to.


Day One:

Yesterday was my Day 1! And somehow I made it. In the morning I ate strawberries with cream cheese. for lunch, my family and I went to Souplantation (also known as Sweet Tomato-at least in Texas). It's got a huge salad bar, a soup bar, and also a lot of delicious bread options (sweet, sweet temptation). I piled my plate with Caesar salad, lettuce, spinach, carrots, and corn (the only veggies  I can stomach). Luckily for me, the only soup I ever like that they serve there (lemon chicken) was actually being served for once! Usually it's only in April. Still, I had to pass the basket of muffins and the delectable pastas to get to my chair. Somehow, I made it! After we got home, my mom, brother, and sister took off to go to the beach and my dad left for work. The easiest time for me to pig out is when I'm left all alone, especially if I know something yummy is being hidden, In this case it was a pack of Nutter Butters, just waiting for me to munch on them. Yet, I resisted and just grabbed some walnuts and lots of cups of water. I still have no idea how I did it. But I did! So, with day one done and I didn't cave in at all, it's a pretty good outlook. I'll keep you all updated with my progress.

PS: Starting Weight-131. 5 lbs