Failure

Being the smart person that I am, I decided I wanted to be an actress and singer when I grew up.

I'm still waiting to grow up.

Failure is all I've met in my life when it comes to my career choice and true love. I love music. I love acting. But goddamn it, is it hard. It's so fucking hard. And when your tally board is Wins: 10 and Fails: 2,478,921, you get a little discouraged sometimes.

Now I'm not one to indulge myself in pity parties (at least not publicly :P), but I like to vent! And everyone is allowed to feel bad sometimes, no matter how good they've actually got it. Yes, kids are starving in Africa I KNOW. But I want to feel bad without feeling guilty GEEZ.

I just wish I could feel like I was good enough to be in this business. I just don't feel good enough! This city just slowly wears you down until your self esteem is skinnier than that chick you saw in Victoria's Secret. Rib cage shown for all to see. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone smarter, talented, prettier, skinnier, funnier, musical, hard-working, and just BETTER than you are. I KNOW this. I know it. And usually I don't let it get to me. But...but sometimes it just hits me and it hurts.

Because you don't want to look back 20 years down the line and realize it was all a waste of time. That every cent, thought, effort you put in was all for naught. That every headshot, resume, class, audition, car ride, workshop, membership, and all that precious money was just wasted. That you put your family in so much stress for something that never came true. That for wanting your name in lights, you screwed everything up. I don't want that.

But for every time I never get that call or email, I keep thinking that that's what's gonna happen.