Communication and Bad Timing

This post right here is a tip for the guys out there.

Very clear flirting is still not the same as explicitly asking someone out.

Girls will obviously know when you like them if you're being very flirty -- we pick up on that stuff. But, if you really like her, actually and verbally express this sentiment, because if not, girls will just assume you're a flirty player and not interested in her, but the conquest of her. Remember, she will have noticed how you are with other girls and put two and two together.

And don't play hard to get and force a girl to have to actively pursue you just so the two of you can hang out. If that happens, don't be surprised when a "hang out" is just that, a hang out and not a date. Because, after all this time, she might have a boyfriend. And when you nonchalantly call it a date, when you never specifically entailed what it would be, don't be offended when she has to call you out and explain that it can't be a date, because she has a boyfriend. Even if you pay for everything and she coyly flirts back, know that it can't mean anything. Because she now has a boyfriend. And you now have a lost chance.

But know this: she will agonize over this fact. She will have wished you had been more communicative sooner. She will have wished that she had had the courage to ask you how you felt sooner. She will have wished that she didn't like you as much as she did...or does.

So save yourself a couple of mistakes and regrets: Take the chance and always be clear.

Female Costumes on Halloween

I. Love. Halloween. It is my favorite holiday by far. It celebrates all the things I love: dressing up, weird characters, bothering strangers for candy, etc. Conveniently, my usual style of dressing doesn't seem weird around this time, it just seems like I'm just extra festive.

Now, the best part about Halloween (besides the November 1st sales) is dressing up. As an actress, getting fully into character and getting the makeup, costume, and mannerisms just right has always been the thing I most enjoy. I also think that now in modern times, Halloween truly allows people to get creative, funny, and intricate if they want to be, when most of the time this behavior is not considered to be "normal."

I respect creativity and going all out. So, that's why I get pissed off when I see the trend in female costumes. Apparently, if you put on a red tutu, basic white T-shirt, and mouse ears, you're automatically Minnie Mouse. ...The fuck? What the hell happened to at least TRYING?

The problem with female costumes always coming in either "Slut" or "Sluttier" is that it takes away from the original character for the sake of "sexiness." I always thought that the point of Halloween was to pick a character (preferably something completely different than regular you) and completely embody it. That's what makes me dislike female costumes on Halloween. Why, in most cases, do guys get to resemble a character more closely than a girl? Popeye will always be Popeye, never "Buff/Shirtless Popeye." If you want to be a Crayon, get an unflattering cylinder and triangle-shaped hat and BE that crayon! Last time I checked, crayons didn't come in hourglass shapes! Or at least HAVE that option available for girls, so that they, too, can be that unflattering crayon!

Now, as I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, I do understand that female versions of patriarchal characters have always been "slutified." Look at She-Hulk or Super Girl! I was "Miss" Edward Scissorhands this year! I had a skirt & fishnets instead of the the body suit. But, I very closely resembled the original character and tried my best to embody him, rather than put a tight miniskirt, black tank top, and crazy hair and call myself Edward Scissorhands.

The point I'm trying to (muddily) make is that you can still look "sexy" and still BE the character. Don't call yourself something just for the sake of saying you have a costume, when clearly the point was to look as good and cute as possible. In that case, be a "kitty."

Why I shouldn't be seen as boring just because I don't make your stupid life choices.

So, the title is kind of all the introduction I really need. But in case that doesn't satisfy you, here's the backstory:

As a college student (and even before as a high school student), I am surrounded by people constantly smoking hookah, cigarettes, weed, drinking, and making out and getting laid. All pretty usual standard college activities as seen in countless movies and TV shows. I, on the other hand, do not partake in such activities. It's not because I'm religious or this being with a perfect moral compass, I just don't see what's the point. All those things have huge consequences later on in life that I don't want to deal with when I'm 40, thankyouverymuch.

Now, I don't go around preaching like a parent to all of my friends, telling them "You're all sinners and you're all going to die!" I just don't partake and I happily observe. Nor am I a stick in the mud (at least, I'd like to think). I love dancing and partying and having fun, just not all the extra things that come with that scene. Frankly, I can probably get crazier than a lot of drunk people, yet keep a reasonable amount of inhibitions and remember everything in the morning! I mean, why would I pass up all the black mailing opportunities just to chug back a couple of drinks that taste like shit? So, my personal philosophy is much different than the rest of my peers.

But, what I want to know is why does this make me a boring person?! Why can't I just sit back, party with people who do drink and do it all, yet not do it myself? Why do I have to do stupid shit, just to make you feel better as a person? Because, really, doing all those things by yourself isn't nearly as fun as doing it with other people. And it's not like I'm judging you for it. Yeah, I think it's stupid, but I'm not going to harp on about it, it's your life and your decisions. Plus, you always need that designated sober friend to fix your inebriated mistakes. So why do people need to judge me for actually doing "the right thing" for once? People should grant me the same courtesy of shutting their trap when it comes to my life as I do when it comes to theirs.

In the end, next time I say, "Yeah, I don't drink...or smoke...or do any drugs...nor will I go down on any loser with 'swag'" I hope it gets met with a polite, "Oh, that's cool!" and it's left at that. No eye rolling or scoffing, because I will bitch slap them. I never said anything about not condoning violence.

Mixed signals are so...mixed. (That was a clever title)

I guess I'm a flirty person by nature. In the past I've been accused of heavily flirting with someone and I'm just taken aback. "Uh, no I was not flirting, I was just talking! I don't even like that person!" But then when I TRY to flirt with a guy, I'm super awkward and I avoid eye contact and I end up just ignoring them half the time by trying not to seem overly pushy and desperate. It's such a catch 22.

Usually, though, I won't flirt back with a person that has a girlfriend. I mean, come on, that's claimed land right there. But, I'm very confused when said person starts flirting back with me and with the other girls around him. You'd think that guy is a player, but you can tell he genuinely isn't like that (or maybe he's such good actor, you can't tell whether he's good or not). I like to give the benefit of the doubt by assuming that it's unconscious signals, because I've been there. Guys will think I'm flirting when I'm just having a conversation. But then, when asked about his girlfriend, he acknowledges it and then drops the subject like a hot tamale. Is he just weary of your supposed advances or trying to forget he has a girlfriend? I think it's the first option, but I just find it fascinating how confusing guys can be.

Are girls always this confusing to guys? I'm curious to know.

My birthday

Sucked.

Well, OK, I tried making the most awesome party ever (think Hunger Games nerf battle in the park), but due to a bunch of shitty reasons, it didn't happen. Everything that could go wrong did, so my birthday was less than spectacular. Then when I just didn't want to acknowledge my birthday and make things easier for everyone, my mom then decided that she should make up for lack of great birthday-ness. Thus making it ever worse. In the end, I got two cakes I didn't want (but ended up being delicious, so plus); a very boring horseback riding trail; bowling; the coolest pair of 70's bell bottom jeans. There we go.

I guess it's fitting that my 18th birthday was so shitty. I mean, what else can truly show you what being a legal adult is like than having almost no friends and a half-hearted attempt at a birthday party? YAY ADULTHOOD!

Original Yo Momma Jokes

So, my sister and I literally spent an hour or more thinking of Hunger Games "Yo Momma" jokes. There's ONE Avengers one in there. Enjoy! (And please, give credit where is due if you ever use them in a battle. :P)

• Yo momma is so huge, Nick Fury asked her to join the Avengers instead of The Hulk.
• Yo momma is so ugly, District 13 used her to threaten President Snow.
• Yo momma is so nasty, she's the reason the first rebellion started; no district wanted her.
• Yo momma is so ugly, Katniss mistook her for a mutt.
• Yo momma is so ugly, she's the reason Haymitch drinks. (Credit to Vicky)
• Yo momma is so fat, District 8 ran out of materials when Cinna tried to make her a dress.
• Yo momma is so stupid, she rigged the Reaping, thinking that it was a raffle (Vicky)
• Yo momma is so ugly, she's the reason Annie went crazy.
• Yo momma is so annoying, she became the new Effie.
• Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a Capitol train, she slowed it down.
• Yo momma is so ugly, Glimmer after the Tracker Jackers still looked prettier. (Vicky)
• Yo momma is so gassy, her fart caused the mine explosion that killed Katniss's dad.
• Yo momma is so fat, District 12 wishes they could've used her as a bomb shelter. 
• Yo momma is so fat, Katniss ran out of animals in the forest to feed her.
• Yo momma is so ugly, Peeta passed out trying to paint her.
• Yo momma is so fat, when she swan in District 4, Finnick thought she was a whale. 
• Yo momma is so fat, she ate so much that she ran Greasy Sae out of business. (Vicky)
• Yo momma's farts are so deadly, they were actually the gas that killed Mags. 

Pros and Cons of Turning 18

Pros:

• Can vote
• Can sign any documents without a parent or guardian
• Can make legal decisions of your own
• Can go to TV show tapings and concerts and a lot of clubs 
• Can DEFINITELY go to any movie (I'm looking at you, NC-17)
• Can open a credit card
• Can legally buy a cigarette
• Can legally buy porn! (That exclamation mark seemed necessary for some reason)
• Can like older guys and have it not be creepy!
• Don't have to have a parent or guardian around for official business. 
• Can oder shit online or from TV
• Can get legally married if I want
• No need for parental consent, y'all!
• Can buy my own house/apartment and live on my own
• Can buy lotto tickets
• Can get a tattoo

Cons:

• Taxes
• Legally charged as an adult if arrested
• Jury duty
• Creepy older guys can legally hit on me
• Need to start lying about my age
• Can work all day and all night on set
• Might have to start being responsible for younger siblings
• Harder to make excuses for not doing chores/being irresponsible 
• It'll look weirder and weirder when I order from the kid's meal
• Could potentially get tricked into getting married via clever scheme
• Parents can totally kick me out at any time
• Can easily get addicted to lotto tickets now
• I now have a higher probability of getting killed if I ever get a tattoo with out my mom knowing 

Sweet As Whole

A little info before I post lyrics to this song and the YouTube link. OK, I LOVE Sara Bareilles. Seriously adore her. When I grow up, I want to be just like her. I aspire to write just liker her and be as eloquent and awesome at saying "Fuck you" just like her. I also love the way she has the balls to write songs like what is posted below and present them to her label. Better yet, I love how they let her put it on her EP. Fingers crossed that this is what the music industry is progressing towards. Now, enjoy.

Song with Lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TH_xziCO1Is

Sweet As Whole - Sara Bareilles

Sometimes I can be perfectly sweet
Got the sugary me all stuffed up in my sleeve
And I’ll talk of ponies and rainbows and things
And I’m just who you want me to be
Like most creatures down here on the ground
I’m composed of the elements moving around
But I grow and change and I shift and I switch
And it turns out I’m actually kind of a bitch
But that only happens when I get provoked
By some piece of shit asshole we all sadly know
And I sit and I write while reminding you all
That mean songs are still better than going postal

That guy’s an asshole
And that girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
And then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

And so I surprised you with some of my words
And I know that surprises, while fine, still can hurt
Whatever. I hate to think I have ruined the day
You’re the dick and the queen of the high horse parade
But I’m sick and tired of your poisonous ways
You’re a toxin wasting perfectly good space
And I say what I think
‘Cause it’s more economic than drugs or a drink

That guy’s an asshole
And that girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
And then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

And I won’t let him in
Under my skin
He’s a sad sack of shit
It’s pathetic
Just a festering sore
That will never be more than that
If I don’t let him

That guy’s an asshole
And that girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
And then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

So much stuff to blog about!

Too bad I'm too lazy to do it all.

Or maybe I'm not?

Maybe I should just bullet point.

This was probably people's first reaction to flushing toilets.

"Wait, so you expect me to take off my trousers and undergarments and sit stark naked on this chair with a hole in it and do my business? Then, somehow after i'm done, all of the feces will just magically disappear at the touch of a button? You're raving mad."

Me: 1 Hitler: 0

I think I just successfully convinced this kid that goes to my Psych class who completely supports Hitler's actions that Hitler wasn't that great of a guy. I pretty much took all his justifications for killing 6 million people and turned them upside down. Completely lawyer-ed him. At the end of our epic lunch time debate, he admitted that he agreed with my views and that I made sense.

You're welcome, America.

Moving On

How did we drift away so quietly and gradually? We were so strong, so close. And then...everything changed. Just like that. Now we're practically strangers. And I've moved on. It's so sad to see how we were once so meant to be. Please talk to me soon and let me know what you're feeling, because I've moved on to other things, to other...people. I know you won't read this, but just in case, please contact me. I miss talking to you. Remember, you're still my friend.

Yeah.

You know that feeling when you've got so much stored up inside of you and you want to write it all out and somehow make sense of it all, but for some reason your pencil won't write the words?

Yeah.

To a special person

There's only one person who I can really credit to teaching me how to grow up, how to get over my melodramatic self, how to really shut up. I wish I talked to them more, but sadly, that's the way of life. I miss them. It's been years, YEARS, and yet...they changed me in such a profound way that memories of them can still bring tears to my eyes, still make my throat close in. Recently, I've been forced to think of them a lot and it's just surprising to see how the effect is still there. Maybe my feelings towards them have changed, but I will always remember what they did to me and for me. And also what I did to them. I owe them a lot of my life experience. I thank them. I really do.

I don't think there are many of us who can say they've been truly affected by just one person. Obviously, parents play an important part in shaping us, but still. Just another person, not even close to your family, can change you into someone you don't even recognize, whether that be for the worse or the better. I think that person changed me for the better. I went through a lot of unnecessary pain, but I got stronger because of it. Of course, I got more cynical, but hey. I also know that I also did a lot of the hurting. It's strange to look back on things and see how different and stupid you were back then. Yet, how else is one supposed to grow? I'm glad I know a little better, though truth be told, I'm still a complete mess in general haha. In a few years I'll be looking back on present me and thinking, "What an idiot!" Ah, well. Ain't that life for ya?

The Hunger Games: The Movie Review

So, I FINALLY got around to watching the Hunger Games, a good 3 days after I should've seen it. Now, for whoever is reading this, I will not go over a summary of the movie/book and there will be a TON of spoilers. And so: Full speed ahead!

My first reaction was: Underwhelmed. I was underwhelmed by the movie. It hit all the right parts and the added scenes were great! But it didn't spend NEARLY as much time on character development, which I'd heard was the main complaint of the film. And bingo was his name-o, right on the mark.

The cave scenes took probably 10 minutes of the whole freaking film. The most emotional exchanges between Peeta and Katniss, where you see the most tenderness (apart from Rue and Prim) and where you get to REALLY start rooting for Peeta. With the shots of Gale's reaction watching Katniss kiss Peeta, I actually felt worse for him. Gale really won the sympathy card in this movie, even though Josh Hutcherson played his part to the T. Gary Ross just did NOT spend enough time on the interaction between Peeta and Katniss. He also skimmed over Katniss and Rue's time together. Thank god Amandla Stenberg is too adorable to mess with, or Rue's death scene wouldn't have been NEARLY as sad! And even so, I still kept wondering why Katniss was in such a wreck for someone who she didn't really have enough time to care about, besides the fact that Rue was 12 and is like Prim.

Can I just say, though? Willow Shields: Way to go, girl! Now, THAT was some great emotion chemistry right there. Really, ALL of the acting was phenomenal and just so spot on, just crazy! The only complaint is probably Woody Harrelson as Haymitch. I don't think it was the acting, just that you didn't see too much of him and he was just...there. Not super hilarious, not super cranky/angry, not super smart, not super...anything. Stanley Tucci as Caesar Flickerman...oh my god, it's hard to believe he never read any of the books. He was just so spot on! And, of course, HUGE round of applause to Jennifer Lawrence, who just embodied Katniss. Her subtle intensity kept me going the whole movie. But I'm still reserving judgement on Donald Sutherland. I don't think he's creepy enough for President Snow. Not yet, anyway...

Another complaint about the film: SHAKY CAM. WTF, GARY ROSS? I would like to SEE the horror of these children dying and the mutts attacking, as terrible as that sounds. You know why? Few reasons: I don't like getting motion sickness while being completely. stable. >.> Also, the books are all about the graphic killing of CHILDREN. Minors. Kids. The Capitol citizens love every gory moment of it, which makes it THAT much worse! So, why in the world would the game makers not have a steady camera to see every evil second of the show? I really wish they would've gone all out, damn the R rating. Yes, I know they had to appeal to main audience of pre-teens and yes, I realize that reading about a death and SEEING a death is very different, but still. I feel that was sort of a Capitol-propaganda thing to do.

And can I just say, Cop-Out ending strikes again! Suzanne Collins seems to be loving this, because she did the same goddamn thing in Mockingjay! Example: La-di-da-di-di super long chapters about major events, lots of writing about minor events, lots-of-things-happen-after-each-other, and then quick little snippets of what should've been super major things, then DONE. THE END. Audience: Wait...what?! Ms. Collins needs to stop this habit of dragging out the somewhat boring beginning then speeding everything up at the end. It's as if she's going, "OK, I'm so going to write this out detail for detail! Yes!" Then she realizes it's getting long, "Oh, crap, quickly! Let me just cover all the basics and-yes! Done!" Not. Good.

But, finally, I just wanted to point out that even though there were some obvious problems, this movie was more than I could've hoped for. Even though I felt a little disappointed by things, I DO want to emphasize that this movie did make me feel things. It did make me care just enough to feel that sadness towards Prim, Rue, Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. I just hope the filmmakers maybe listen to some of the major criticisms that movie critics and fans alike have been saying, so that Catching Fire will be even better!

I have to be surrounded by other people? Gross.

My recent experiences with group singing classes and acting classes have reminded me of something crucial: I hate social groups. I hate 'em. They remind me of why I hated public high school and loved going to my charter school here in Cali. I never had to be reminded of how awkward I am or how this guy liked me or didn't like me or how that girl looked prettier than  I was-yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah-that sort of shit. When I work by myself, I'm not distracted by stupid human insecurities and can work on whatever I SHOULD be working on. I LIKE being by myself, or with one or two people at a time. If it's a large group of people I'm comfortable with, OK that works, too. But, otherwise, I'm just doubtful of everything and it's ridiculous. Other people are annoying and hurtful. Just like the internet! :D It's much better to just focus on stuff by yourself. You get a LOT more stuff done.

It's good to feel like a girl again.

I love knowing that I can still get silly little crushes on people. It makes me feel younger haha. I like knowing that I don't either feel indifferent or completely serious about a person. I can just act stupid and think like a girl. "Oh, he's so cute!" "Oh my god, he's so talented!" Just gush. I wish I had a girlfriend, like you know, a good friend that's a girl, to totally talk to and just feel stupid about guys again haha. I don't know, I think I've missed the feeling of idly thinking about someone WAY out of your league. It's actually a great little feeling that girls don't realize they've got until they stop feeling it. It makes me feel like I still have some sort of frivolous emotion left in me :P

I'll never stop!

There comes a time in every girls life where she realizes that she should stop clicking on a guy's Facebook profile, stop staring at his pictures, and stop stopping to SHRIEK, GIGGLE and message your one friend that "HE COMMENTED!" or "HE LIKED MY POST!" or "OMG HE POKED ME!" For this behavior is deemed "weird" and "creepy" in our society. Eventually, most girls also realize that making weird YouTube videos with your friend about said male specimen just breaks the scale of "super creepy" and that, maybe, one should stop.

Unfortunately, the clock I'm running on is set a little backwards.

Oh, acting class...PART 2

*For background information, please see the post titled "Oh, acting class..."*

So, the same guy came up last night and did his scene, except (surprise, surprise), his voice was as flat as the line on a dead person's heart monitor. My teacher kept trying to get him to use some vocal variety. Then she asked, "What's wrong? Did you...uh, did you smoke anything?" To which the whole class, including the actor, starts laughing at. "Hey, just checking!", she says. The guy says "No, I didn't! I actually did better when I was high, remember?" It's true, he did much better when he was high. 

After a few more takes of the scene, my teacher interrupts him again and tells him that she understands that he went through hell over in Iraq, but he's got to at least fake some vocal variety. He goes, "Well, I actually had a LOT of personality before the military!" and this one chick from the back yells, "Before the weed, you mean!" For a good minute, the whole class just LOL-ed their asses off.

Gotta love acting class.

Musica

God,  I love music.

I love creating it and being with other talented and brilliant people and just working together to make something new and great. I love how total strangers can just bond, even just for a moment, in trying to make a song. I love people who can play instruments and the way they just casually jam out some melody without even thinking about it, just to PLAY something. There's something about musical people that I just respect and admire and wholeheartedly envy!

I like to think of myself as musical, but whenever I'm with someone who TRULY loves music, I feel so inferior. But that challenges me to make my input matter, to think smarter and quicker when it comes to collaborations. To work harder to overcome my total lack of knowledge of musical theory and not sound stupid. I love being in a studio for hours and hours working on the same freaking chorus, trying to make it just PERFECT. Or in the booth, hearing the same measures over and over again in my headphones, trying to get those notes just right.

I love just mulling about for 3 hours, thinking up of lyrics and melodies, bouncing off ideas off each other. Trying to secretly one up each other, but sacrificing your own ideas to make it work for the greater good of the song. Voicing one's opinion and your favorite musicians and songs that you think would be great to steal inspiration from.

And the music itself. Ugh, the way symphonies can put goosebumps on my arms and make my heart beat faster as the orchestra crescendos into the full blast of joyful music. Or the way you HAVE to get up and dance at that one chorus. Or how you listen to the low sound of the acoustic guitar and stare dreamily out the rain soaked window, imagining yourself to be in a movie. The way that one lyric takes you back to someone or a place you once knew. How you can feel twenty million things in the course of 3:30 minutes. How, after so many times of absentminded listening and singing along to the words, the song becomes new again. And how you always seem to forget how much work, time, money, sweat, blood, and tears it took for that song to be made.

I-l-o-v-e-m-u-s-i-c.

Age is just a number?

I'd like to think of myself as "mature", even though, frankly, what the hell does that word even mean? Like, seriously, does it means acting older than you are? Or being more grown up? I've always been called mature and I'd like to think of it as being able to keep up with the adults. I've always been able to do that, because, hey. They're just over grown children with mortgages. So, I don't understand why it's always a revelation to people that I'm this old or that old. I mean, is it that much of a rarity among teens to actually hold your own in a conversation with "an adult", the big scary force of so many years more of experience? Most of my friends act like I do and I don't see it as such a big deal. I thought everyone was like that.

But, then I can turn around and act like the dumbest kid you've ever seen. Or like an 8 year old boy with ADD who just drunk 2 cans of Red Bull. Then I'm told to act my age! To be an adult and why am I acting so stupid and at their level? Well, I am only a kid, right? This should be acceptable! I should be encouraged to laugh more loudly than is acceptable, to run around in a store, to whine about not getting that toy or candy bar in the check out line. People stare and think I'm stupid or spoiled or whatever, when really: it's in the job description. I'm a kid.

People around us have this conflicting notion about age! I think that's what makes being a teenager so bad! You're in the middle and no one ever wants to be in the middle. You feel out of place. So, I can't play in the Play Place at McDonald's but I can't get into the club as well? Awesome. All the places that are deemed "fun" are now off limits to me because of my age. There's only so many times where you can go to the mall and look at clothes you don't have the money to buy!

This applies to dating as well. OK, so I can keep up with a 20-something, but it's illegal and borderline creepy? OK, I can see that. Even though we meet each other perfectly mentally: age. Got it. It's also just as weird when dating someone younger than myself! Well, we're almost perfectly matched in every way, except...you're 15? Yikes, later sucker. The 50 year old woman with the 28 year old guy. The 67 year old man with the 32 year old woman. Ages. Apparently life experiences and everything still doesn't make up for the age difference. At least in someone else's eyes.

I can see someone else's point though, if I were to argue this with said hypothetical person. With age brings different experiences and knowledge. Obviously, what you know or think you know at age 11 will be different than what you know or think you know at age 45. But, in some for m or another, every age group can become the other. The 10 year old can parent their misbehaved parent. The 80 year old patient struggling to go to the bathroom. So on and so forth.

It's really hard not to judge, though! You always assume the worst, the creepiest, the greediest, the whatever. That's why I like to keep my real age to myself. I think it helps eliminate some assumptions if I tell my age. Plus, someone's reaction to my age is probably the most fun part! "What?? I thought you were older!" "What?! I thought you were younger..."

Age, with all things in life, is an enigma of social meaning.

WOAH CHANGES!

Woah, you guys! I changed my profile picture! I thought this rendered it's own post. Because...you know...this is world breaking news. THE INTERNETS MUST KNOW! And I'm probably going to change the top picture soon. Because, frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. Some change is good.

For future people reading this post: just know that whatever picture you see now was not there before. That is all.

Oh, silly me!

I'm putting a LOT of effort into something that frankly...I don't really care about. Huh. Why should I care if I don't even LIKE you anymore? haha Wow...that's so stupid of me! What a girl thing to do. And yet, I still latch on and try to make it work. I will not let go, like some barnacle head! (Thanks, Spongebob, for that one.) Let it play out, m'dear. Let it play out.

Fuck titles.

You know that feeling when you're so overwhelmed with thoughts that it's an effort to even just get them out on the page? Or the text box? Or whatever medium you're writing on. Even now, I write this and have no idea what I'm saying, other than I'm lost. So, now I just need to sit down and type this all out until maybe it starts making some sense. I truly can't say whether typing it out here or writing it out in a journal of sorts is better than the other. All I know is that I have thought, questions, and problems in need of writing and I don't know how. I just wish I could vocalize them, but the only person I could ever talk about this would be my dog. Everyone else is biased, or doesn't actually care, or secretly hates me. So...I write it out. Because words will never judge me or scold me or love me or ANYTHING. They will just be words. Neutral. Unbiased. Words.

Crying.

That moment when you're just about to cry and you're tearing up. When you feel the tears swell up in your eyes and everything suddenly gets blurry and you can't see. Your throat tightens and it gets hard to swallow. Everything suddenly tightens and everything feels out of control. Then that release of tears. And everything flows and you can't help but feel relieved that it's out there, tickling your cheeks and chin as they race down your face. 

You just cry yourself out until finally, you hiccup yourself out of it. You take deep, big breaths, looking around , just wondering when will this feeling stop, when will it be OK? And then eventually you do stop. And things might not be OK, but you're a bit better equipped to handle it than before. 

Oh, acting class...

So, today I went to my acting class and this HILARIOUS thing happened.

One of the guys was up onstage and he was doing the scene very monotone and one note. My teacher stopped the scene and was commenting on this and how, usually, he was always monotone and that she understood, but that he should have more of a vocal variety. He quickly stopped her and replied, "Well, I did something that I shouldn't have before class..." The whole class automatically got it EXCEPT our teacher. So she tried "What, you drank?" "No." "Smoked?" "Um..." Then, from the back, you hear this one girl yell "HE SMOKED WEED."

Dear jesus, we all laughed for a good minute or so. After a while we calmed down and my teacher goes, "Well, he's an Iraqi War veteran, he deserves a little pot now and then!" I start laughing and she sees me there. I am the youngest person in the class, so sometimes I get unnecessarily babied and must constantly remind them that I probably have a dirtier mind then all of them. So, she sees me and gasps, "Oh, no! Do NOT tell your mother I said that!" So I gave her a knowing smile and replied, "Don't worry, I know. I'm in college." To which she went, "Oh." and moved on.

Just a day in the life :P

And the inner battle rages on

Everything is so jumbled inside my head. All I know for sure is that I need to talk to him. But, do I have everything perfectly articulated beforehand, or do I just charge right in like a blathering idiot? See, I can't even know what I'm trying to say because I'm so conflicted! If I knew what I wanted to say, I would call him and just blurt it out. But my feelings change on a day to day basis. Only the confusion remains constant. Maybe if I just start trying to talk it all out out loud, maybe then will the thoughts begin to formulate and make sense. But there are so many barriers and in the end, I don't know what I'm doing. For someone who's always been the one to give the solid advice, I sure could use some of my own supposed wisdom. Confusion and indecision is truly the worst state to be in.

Rambling

I really just want to talk to someone. Specifically you. But, see, it's always a problem when the person you mostly talk to is the one person you want to talk about. Then that turns into a serious conversation. And those are just...Well, the stereotype is that girls want to talk about their feelings all the time, right? This is me breaking that stereotype. I'm torn between just fucking getting the information out there and explaining everything or just ignoring it and you. Usually the second option doesn't work out so well, but screw it. I'm just so over it. I'm just so confused. I don't' even know what this post is...I just wanted to write it all out.

Lyric Commentary

"I wish I were pretty. I wish I were brave. If I owned this city, I'd make it behave. And if I were fearless, I'd speak my truth and the world would hear this. That's what I wish I'd do."
-Sara Bareilles

I love that verse so much. It speaks so much of LA. It also addresses ones insecurities without sounding whiny or lame. It's really beautiful and it speaks to me a lot. Just the way she writes it makes it so plaintive and simple, that I think that's why it affects me so much. She's just saying what she thinks is true. And that's how a lot of girls feel. Also, making LA behave is probably something a lot of us wish we could do. I know I do everyday. I wish I could write like her.

First Week of College DOWN. Like a boss.

So on Monday, the first day of classes started in IVC. Now, to fully explain my nerves and overall epic luckiness of this week, I must back up to a few days before Monday. My mom and I went to Fullerton College and somehow we couldn't prove residency over there, as this bitch at admissions refused to take any of the proof that we had of us living in California. Super awesome setback. Se we check at Irvine and see the semester starts January 9. And this is January 5. 4 days to try and enroll in classes that are all full, get all my information and residency verified, get to know my campus, talk to the counselors, and calm the fuck down. Awesome, I can so do it. So I get all my shit together and talk to the counselors and get away with not having to take the admissions test. We got a little nervous when it came to residency verification, but in the end, the lady used common sense and realized that if we had a HOUSE in California, then yeah, we probably live here.

Then Monday comes and I got to my first college class ever: Psychology 101. The thing is, I'm not enrolled, I'm just sitting on the class and I am HOPING to get an add code for registration. So, I sit up front and center and sit through my first ever college lecture. At the end, I rush up to the teacher and am the first of only 10 kids to get the code. SCORE. So, I enroll in Psychology and a Counseling class that will help me to figure out what the hell I want to do in the future.

Next day, I try to petition Speech 101. This time, it's not as easy at yesterday. There's a sub and he asks the kids who are trying to add the class to play rock, paper, scissors to determine the order of how we will get our add codes. So, I kid you not, my ability at rock, paper, scissors determined that I was second on the list! What what! And this sub is not "nice" at all. He starts kicking kids out from the list starting from the bottom. I am freaking out until he gets to kid number 4 and stops. And I somehow manage to get in to this class as well! Score. Then right after that, I go to Sociology 101. This is when I REALLY get a shock. The class is F-U-L-L. When I mean full, I mean all the seats (like 40) are taken up and there's a line of people along the back wall, just standing there, waiting for the teacher. And they ALL want to add the class. Some kids realize they're fucked and just leave the class. If I was less determined, I'd have done the same, but I really liked the professor and the subject! A really embarrassing thing that happened, though, was that I didn't eat anything between Speech and Sociology, so through out the whole lecture, my stomach starts making this VERY LOUD growling noises! It's really quiet in the class room and you can hear PPPFFFFTTRRRAAAAWWWWRRR coming from stomach. A mix between a fart, growl, and burp. That NEVER happened to me before and of course, my body decided to experiment for the first time in a quiet, packed college lecture classroom. Of course. *sigh*  I was pretty mortified. Well, at the end of the class, he asks those who want to add to come up to the front and write their names on a list and he'll pick randomly using a number counter. Like 20 people come up and I realize I have no chance and, sure enough, my name is not one of the 5 chosen. And, mind you, this was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the add codes were the golden tickets and everyone freaked out if they were chosen while the rest of us dejectedly slunk away. The professor did tell us did if we wanted the class, we could come back Thursday and try our luck again.

Wednesday was Psychology again. Now, my teacher has a few rules. If you are late, you can either opt to dance in front of the class (YAY HUMILIATION) or bring the whole class food the next time we meet. Just no hash brownies. She specifically mentioned those, which leads me to believe that she speaks from experience. Whoever DID bring hash brownies to class before and gave one to the teacher deserves a prize. So, a kid was late and he decided on food. I hope it's good :D. She also has a rule that if your phone goes off, you must donate a dollar. This money will be used at the end of the semester for charity or for a pot luck or whatever. So, right next to me, this kid's phone goes off. And we ALL hear it. And he stays quiet. He doesn't fess up that it's him, even though it freaking goes off FOUR times. The teacher asks who's is it and he keeps quiet. This total annoying nerdy loser kid in front of me goes, "It was from this side!" The whole class groans, because yeah. He's one of THOSE people. And the guy next to me still doesn't do anything. And I really didn't want to be that bitch who's like, "It was this guy! Go give her the dollar!" so I stay mum. As a result of this, the WHOLE class is forced to give a dollar. I don't HAVE a dollar with me, because I have no money obviously and have to give it in next class. And while everyone's handing out their money, this kid STILL doesn't say anything, he just gives his contributing dollar. I just don't understand why he didn't just say it was him and give the dollar. It would've saved the whole class a lot of grief. So, that was an interesting second class.

Then I go to Speech on Thursday, it's pretty uneventful, besides the fact that we have another sub and we won't meet our teacher until Tuesday. Then I decide to go back to Sociology and take my chances. I get there super early and take a seat and set up my laptop. I have to interject real quick that my Mac has saved my life these past few days. I record the lectures and take my notes on this thing, it's so light weight and I am so in love. I might formally propose. God, I love you Macbook. OK, so before class starts, I make my acquaintance with this really nice girl named Amanda and we chat about Tim Burton films and the sex god that is Johnny Depp and whatnot until it's time for class. Can you believe that there's still a line of people waiting in the back to try and add this class? So, after a pretty awesome lecture, we all make our way towards the front. The professor says that those who were here on Tuesday are the ones he'll be adding today. Out of those 7 people, only 5 are chosen and guess who was Charlie-freaking-Bucket? "I've got a golden ticket..."

So, I got into all of the classes I wanted! As a total newbie, unprepared freshman! SKILLS, my friend. I'm gonna somehow balance 4 pretty legit classes this first semester and see how I hold up. So far the text books are pretty readable, and even though all my classes are in the morning, I haven't fallen asleep and/or been late! I think it's gonna be a good year...

Oh my lord, things are changing!

Oh. My. God. One of my ex-boyfriends is planning on getting married! Holy shit! And I can't even get a boyfriend, what the fuck. I'm really happy for him and her! But, man, it's starting. He'll be going the Army soon (along with a lot of my other friends, some of whom have already been there for a while), and now he's getting married. It's kind of insane, but somehow my friends and I are...becoming adults. EEEEEWWWW GRRRROOOSSSS! Haha. But seriously! Now I'm starting college and a lot of my friends will also start later this year. Then marriage...babies...jobs...careers...it's jarring to think that this is how it starts. When only a year or two ago, we were just high schoolers. Now...this. I'm so scared of the future, but now the future is the present and I have no idea how to deal with that! But, somehow I'll make it. Somehow.

PS: Would it be weird if I attended the wedding? I mean, he was one of my really, really serious bfs. Eh, whatever, I'll still try to make it haha. I love free cake!

I found a poem I wrote when I was 7!

Here is the transcripts, spelling and all:

A Pome fom Gene
I love you
You love me.
A harte (heart)
A trrou. (true)
A love nevr can brak or diae.
A love is specl (special) in so meny (many) was and I love you!

I was seriously a romantic when I was little haha. Here's a bio I did right before I wrote that poem:

I am 7 yeas old.
I live in T.X.
I live in Dallas.
I live in worthing.
I have toys.
I have a dad and a mom.
I have a hart.

I was really into hearts when I was little xD

First post of 2012!

So apparently we have 365 more days to live (a little less actually, but who's counting?)...and I bet 3/4 of those will be mediocre and humdrum. I hope the world doesn't end in December, because I still need more time to finish my bucket list! Imagine, I'd die with so much left unfinished...but probably with the same amount of regrets as if I'd lived till I was 100. I didn't make any New Year resolutions this year and pretty much no wishes either. I've come to learn that you just need to live and not keep wishing for things to change. Lately, I've felt that I'm just marking time, floating along and doing nothing. I guess that's how it's going to be until someone or something pushes me in another direction.

Here's to another year.