Truth

We all lead such sad, unhappy lives.

Failure

Being the smart person that I am, I decided I wanted to be an actress and singer when I grew up.

I'm still waiting to grow up.

Failure is all I've met in my life when it comes to my career choice and true love. I love music. I love acting. But goddamn it, is it hard. It's so fucking hard. And when your tally board is Wins: 10 and Fails: 2,478,921, you get a little discouraged sometimes.

Now I'm not one to indulge myself in pity parties (at least not publicly :P), but I like to vent! And everyone is allowed to feel bad sometimes, no matter how good they've actually got it. Yes, kids are starving in Africa I KNOW. But I want to feel bad without feeling guilty GEEZ.

I just wish I could feel like I was good enough to be in this business. I just don't feel good enough! This city just slowly wears you down until your self esteem is skinnier than that chick you saw in Victoria's Secret. Rib cage shown for all to see. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone smarter, talented, prettier, skinnier, funnier, musical, hard-working, and just BETTER than you are. I KNOW this. I know it. And usually I don't let it get to me. But...but sometimes it just hits me and it hurts.

Because you don't want to look back 20 years down the line and realize it was all a waste of time. That every cent, thought, effort you put in was all for naught. That every headshot, resume, class, audition, car ride, workshop, membership, and all that precious money was just wasted. That you put your family in so much stress for something that never came true. That for wanting your name in lights, you screwed everything up. I don't want that.

But for every time I never get that call or email, I keep thinking that that's what's gonna happen.

LGMH

I couldn't help myself.

The end is coming!

In a week, I shall be a high schooler no more. It'll be on to *ugh* college. And I'll be done 6 months earlier than my friends in Texas, so suck on that, bitches! Haha, that's probably the only enjoyment I get from finishing early. But, I'm really sad that I never, ever got to go to a high school dance. I know that sounds lame, but it's something I'd always wanted to do. And it was never for a good reason, either! I could never go, not because of acting or some other important event, no, it was because I was forced to choose between not going or having my mother tag along. *Ahem* I rather stay at home, thanks.
 So, yeah, never got to wear the fancy dress and go with a group and rent a limousine. Never got to color coordinate with my date. Never got to get all sweaty and have my heels hurt on the dance floor. Never had a fancy dinner date. And I never got a corsage or those long teddy bear thingies that I've seen people wear for homecoming, whatever the fuck those are.
I don't know...I wish my high school years had been more "normal". At least while I was in public school (pretty much just freshman year and 2 months in 10th grade). But, no, they were not. Of course.
I loved being in charter school, though! For one, it was so goddamn easy! I'm graduating with straight A's :D! For another, the teachers were great, I made friends with a bunch of them. I also didn't have to talk to the students if I didn't want to! And when I did, the kids there were pretty cool and almost NO drama was involved! Then, they offered free camps! I got to go to Colorado and North California for FREE! The best experiences in my life, hands down. I also only had to go to school twice a week. For an hour. The only reason I'd go more is cuz I almost never did my work at home haha. Sorry, but some things never change. And they did offer a prom over at the House of Blue in Disney, but I didn't go. For three reasons: 1) Mom 2) Didn't really have a date 3) I was filming Destroy Build Destroy that day. Whatever.
All in all, I'm glad I'm finally done with my school education. Now it's off to higher learning! Which is the equivalent to higher bullshit! Fabulous. I don't want to go to college at all. I grew up thinking it was a MUST and that by the time it was time to finally go to college, I'd know what to do! Yeah...didn't happen that way. I have no idea what to study or what college I want to go to. I don't want to study something artistic, because I'd like to actually USE my degree to get a job, thank you very much. So, I need to find something that I'd LIKE to do and will also get me a steady income in year to come. Shouldn't be hard, right... Well, I'll just see in community college if there's anything that really interests me. Maybe I'll know what to do from there. Maybe.
Anyways, ends are just new beginnings.

Thankful

Tis the season to eat turkey, la la la la la, la la la laaa

Things I'm thankful for!

1) Having a house
2) Having great food to eat
3) Having a family that more or less is Ok
4) Knowing amazing people
5) Having someone amazing love me
6) Having the things that I do (Electronics, baby!)
7) Getting to live in LA!
8) Being able to go to Disney almost whenever I want! (Damn you blackout days)
9) The opportunities that have presented themselves over the years
10) My adorable dog, Whipped Cream
11) Having all my limbs & vital body parts in the right areas
12) Being usually smart enough to keep up
13) The fact that sooner or later, things usually work out
14) Having survived fairly well these past 17 years

What are YOU thankful for?

In rebuttal

I'm so mad! At just everything...well not everything, but just that things can't just be as they are. Why does he have to do this?! Like, just fuck everything up. What we had was a great, easy going friendship. It still WILL be, if I have anything to say about it. I'm not one to keep things awkward. Yeah, I knew he liked me, but he never acted on it (except for that one time >.<) and that suited me just fine. But now...
And I HAD to tell you. I didn't want to, with all my heart, but I HAD to! Not because I wanted to make you jealous or anything, but I was seriously freaking out and I had to make sure  I was doing OK. But I knew you'd take it badly. Who wants to know that their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever is getting declarations of love? But, you're also my friend, and I tell my friends everything.
I love that you're not some stupid restrictive guy who forces their chick to never contact males unless when necessary. If that were the case, I'd break up with you right then and there. I already have my parents, thank you very much. But I also love that you do get jealous. It means you care :).
Also, I'm insecure, too! HELL YEAH I'M INSECURE. I don't care WHAT you say, it'll take forever to convince me that I'm as perfect as you (and apparently other people) say I am! Of course I get jealous that other girls are always after you, though I'm not surprised. When we were "together" before, that always worried me, that some groupie chick would just attack you and wouldn't be able to help yourself. I mean, hey, if it's on a platter... Plus you're a musician and you're cute. Why the fuck would there NOT be groupies? If you were gay, there would still be chicks hoping to be your drunken mistake. SO, that being said, don't feel bad that you're jealous or insecure. Cuz guess what, honey, I'm right there with ya.
I'm so glad you trust me, because you should. I am proud to say that I have NEVER cheated :D. I always break up with the person if I want to be with someone else, none of this juggling shit I always hear about. I love you and if I didn't, I'd let you know. Best to be honest with someone. I mean, it makes no sense to cheat on someone. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to act single? Do both yourselves a favor and break up.
I know you're there and I'm here. But never, EVER forget that I love YOU. No one else. I care and love everyone else in a different way. But for now, I'm yours.
I love you :)

Empty

I keep walking past your room and keep feeling disappointed when I don't see you sitting or lying there.
I've been to the kitchen only a few times, because it reminds me too much of you.
I have your things in my room and they're an eerie reminder.
I just wish you were here to fill up the house with laughter and sound again.
Now everywhere we went together is tainted with memories.
See, you got to leave, but I still have to stay.
And see how empty it all is without you.

In an effort to explain myself properly

First off, I regret telling you about my parents. It was the wrong time to say it, I know, but I had to get it out, because I am an idiotic person who looks too much towards the future when it comes to the stuff that should be kept in the now. I just needed you to know that obstacles will always be in our way, wether it be distance or my folks. And that, we need to acknowledge how hard this is gonna be, whatever "this" is. All I know for sure is that you love me and I love you. I know how hard you tried, I could see it everyday. I love you more for it, more than you would think. Still, my parents are set in their ways and will never be able to accept you as someone I should be with. As a friend and a person, they actually think you're amazing and hilarious. But never anything more. That's just that. But just the fact that you tried, and that you even tried with Mark and Vicky (although some things you should've kept to yourself) was enough to just make me yours even more.

I know you're there and I'm here. I can definitely feel the separation, trust me. But, think, if you TRULY loved me as you say, would you really just make yourself disappear like that and leave me to fend for myself? Would you really leave me alone, just because we tasted the joy of us being together, then had to deal with the withdrawal of not having it everyday? Because, that'd be very selfish of you. Suicide is probably the most selfish thing ever, because the person NEVER, EVER thinks about how it would effect other people. It's always about how it would absolve THEM from the pain and not how it would cause pain to the ones they professed to love. I mean, how would YOU feel if I tried, not once, but twice, to kill myself? I doubt you'd be OK with it. If you would be OK with it, then obviously something's not right here.

I know it hurts. It hurts real bad. I can already feel it through my Skype window. But, see, the thing I've noticed with us is that we somehow always come back to each other. Have you noticed that? We've known each other for what, little over 3 years? And it's always some intense bliss then a long separation, just to get back together again. Not exactly an off and on thing, but something more along the lines of "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever." kind of thing. I don't know. I just know that, yeah, we're gonna have to deal with shit. And, who knows, maybe the day will come when we come to our sense and stop this for good. But for now, we're both crazy and I like it like that. Don't feel bad. Because guess what?

I love you.

This...sucks.

*sigh* OK, OK, I'm going to succumb to the teenage angst that is SO unavoidable. But, hey, I'm a teenager, better milk it while I can. I mean, it just won't look cool when I'm 30.

I...I miss him. Much more than I expected. I actually felt some sense of loss when he walked away and I shut the car door. ...Lame, huh? This past week was so...indescribable and amazing, how could I NOT feel sad that it's now gone. I achieved so many dreams and fantasies in just 7 days, it was incredible. Almost all of it played out like some cheesy rom-com. The actors had their lines down, there were bad guys, a great soundtrack, and amazing places. Seriously, I should write a screen play. It was like a vacation of sorts, but now it's back to the "real world". Bad things happened, of course, I mean, what's a movie without conflict? But the climax at the end was just as dramatic and amazing as it should have been. Whatever shit I'll have to deal with now, I can always just remember. And see, what they don't tell you is how the remembering is almost better than the real thing.

I just miss him so much.

Hacked

This girl is the best thing to happen to me. I flew to California to tell her I loved her, and the way she kisses me makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. I wish I could give her everything. <3

How Sad

How is it that you're right here with me, yet I already miss you? The impending doom of the date is coming and unfortunately, time won't slow down. After these few days, I really, truly don't know what I'll do when you leave. It's like I'm prematurely depressed. I know it's selfish of me to want you to stay, but that's how I feel.

You're right here and I already miss you.