WOAH CHANGES!

Woah, you guys! I changed my profile picture! I thought this rendered it's own post. Because...you know...this is world breaking news. THE INTERNETS MUST KNOW! And I'm probably going to change the top picture soon. Because, frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. Some change is good.

For future people reading this post: just know that whatever picture you see now was not there before. That is all.

Oh, silly me!

I'm putting a LOT of effort into something that frankly...I don't really care about. Huh. Why should I care if I don't even LIKE you anymore? haha Wow...that's so stupid of me! What a girl thing to do. And yet, I still latch on and try to make it work. I will not let go, like some barnacle head! (Thanks, Spongebob, for that one.) Let it play out, m'dear. Let it play out.

Fuck titles.

You know that feeling when you're so overwhelmed with thoughts that it's an effort to even just get them out on the page? Or the text box? Or whatever medium you're writing on. Even now, I write this and have no idea what I'm saying, other than I'm lost. So, now I just need to sit down and type this all out until maybe it starts making some sense. I truly can't say whether typing it out here or writing it out in a journal of sorts is better than the other. All I know is that I have thought, questions, and problems in need of writing and I don't know how. I just wish I could vocalize them, but the only person I could ever talk about this would be my dog. Everyone else is biased, or doesn't actually care, or secretly hates me. So...I write it out. Because words will never judge me or scold me or love me or ANYTHING. They will just be words. Neutral. Unbiased. Words.

Crying.

That moment when you're just about to cry and you're tearing up. When you feel the tears swell up in your eyes and everything suddenly gets blurry and you can't see. Your throat tightens and it gets hard to swallow. Everything suddenly tightens and everything feels out of control. Then that release of tears. And everything flows and you can't help but feel relieved that it's out there, tickling your cheeks and chin as they race down your face. 

You just cry yourself out until finally, you hiccup yourself out of it. You take deep, big breaths, looking around , just wondering when will this feeling stop, when will it be OK? And then eventually you do stop. And things might not be OK, but you're a bit better equipped to handle it than before. 

Oh, acting class...

So, today I went to my acting class and this HILARIOUS thing happened.

One of the guys was up onstage and he was doing the scene very monotone and one note. My teacher stopped the scene and was commenting on this and how, usually, he was always monotone and that she understood, but that he should have more of a vocal variety. He quickly stopped her and replied, "Well, I did something that I shouldn't have before class..." The whole class automatically got it EXCEPT our teacher. So she tried "What, you drank?" "No." "Smoked?" "Um..." Then, from the back, you hear this one girl yell "HE SMOKED WEED."

Dear jesus, we all laughed for a good minute or so. After a while we calmed down and my teacher goes, "Well, he's an Iraqi War veteran, he deserves a little pot now and then!" I start laughing and she sees me there. I am the youngest person in the class, so sometimes I get unnecessarily babied and must constantly remind them that I probably have a dirtier mind then all of them. So, she sees me and gasps, "Oh, no! Do NOT tell your mother I said that!" So I gave her a knowing smile and replied, "Don't worry, I know. I'm in college." To which she went, "Oh." and moved on.

Just a day in the life :P

And the inner battle rages on

Everything is so jumbled inside my head. All I know for sure is that I need to talk to him. But, do I have everything perfectly articulated beforehand, or do I just charge right in like a blathering idiot? See, I can't even know what I'm trying to say because I'm so conflicted! If I knew what I wanted to say, I would call him and just blurt it out. But my feelings change on a day to day basis. Only the confusion remains constant. Maybe if I just start trying to talk it all out out loud, maybe then will the thoughts begin to formulate and make sense. But there are so many barriers and in the end, I don't know what I'm doing. For someone who's always been the one to give the solid advice, I sure could use some of my own supposed wisdom. Confusion and indecision is truly the worst state to be in.

Rambling

I really just want to talk to someone. Specifically you. But, see, it's always a problem when the person you mostly talk to is the one person you want to talk about. Then that turns into a serious conversation. And those are just...Well, the stereotype is that girls want to talk about their feelings all the time, right? This is me breaking that stereotype. I'm torn between just fucking getting the information out there and explaining everything or just ignoring it and you. Usually the second option doesn't work out so well, but screw it. I'm just so over it. I'm just so confused. I don't' even know what this post is...I just wanted to write it all out.

Lyric Commentary

"I wish I were pretty. I wish I were brave. If I owned this city, I'd make it behave. And if I were fearless, I'd speak my truth and the world would hear this. That's what I wish I'd do."
-Sara Bareilles

I love that verse so much. It speaks so much of LA. It also addresses ones insecurities without sounding whiny or lame. It's really beautiful and it speaks to me a lot. Just the way she writes it makes it so plaintive and simple, that I think that's why it affects me so much. She's just saying what she thinks is true. And that's how a lot of girls feel. Also, making LA behave is probably something a lot of us wish we could do. I know I do everyday. I wish I could write like her.

First Week of College DOWN. Like a boss.

So on Monday, the first day of classes started in IVC. Now, to fully explain my nerves and overall epic luckiness of this week, I must back up to a few days before Monday. My mom and I went to Fullerton College and somehow we couldn't prove residency over there, as this bitch at admissions refused to take any of the proof that we had of us living in California. Super awesome setback. Se we check at Irvine and see the semester starts January 9. And this is January 5. 4 days to try and enroll in classes that are all full, get all my information and residency verified, get to know my campus, talk to the counselors, and calm the fuck down. Awesome, I can so do it. So I get all my shit together and talk to the counselors and get away with not having to take the admissions test. We got a little nervous when it came to residency verification, but in the end, the lady used common sense and realized that if we had a HOUSE in California, then yeah, we probably live here.

Then Monday comes and I got to my first college class ever: Psychology 101. The thing is, I'm not enrolled, I'm just sitting on the class and I am HOPING to get an add code for registration. So, I sit up front and center and sit through my first ever college lecture. At the end, I rush up to the teacher and am the first of only 10 kids to get the code. SCORE. So, I enroll in Psychology and a Counseling class that will help me to figure out what the hell I want to do in the future.

Next day, I try to petition Speech 101. This time, it's not as easy at yesterday. There's a sub and he asks the kids who are trying to add the class to play rock, paper, scissors to determine the order of how we will get our add codes. So, I kid you not, my ability at rock, paper, scissors determined that I was second on the list! What what! And this sub is not "nice" at all. He starts kicking kids out from the list starting from the bottom. I am freaking out until he gets to kid number 4 and stops. And I somehow manage to get in to this class as well! Score. Then right after that, I go to Sociology 101. This is when I REALLY get a shock. The class is F-U-L-L. When I mean full, I mean all the seats (like 40) are taken up and there's a line of people along the back wall, just standing there, waiting for the teacher. And they ALL want to add the class. Some kids realize they're fucked and just leave the class. If I was less determined, I'd have done the same, but I really liked the professor and the subject! A really embarrassing thing that happened, though, was that I didn't eat anything between Speech and Sociology, so through out the whole lecture, my stomach starts making this VERY LOUD growling noises! It's really quiet in the class room and you can hear PPPFFFFTTRRRAAAAWWWWRRR coming from stomach. A mix between a fart, growl, and burp. That NEVER happened to me before and of course, my body decided to experiment for the first time in a quiet, packed college lecture classroom. Of course. *sigh*  I was pretty mortified. Well, at the end of the class, he asks those who want to add to come up to the front and write their names on a list and he'll pick randomly using a number counter. Like 20 people come up and I realize I have no chance and, sure enough, my name is not one of the 5 chosen. And, mind you, this was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the add codes were the golden tickets and everyone freaked out if they were chosen while the rest of us dejectedly slunk away. The professor did tell us did if we wanted the class, we could come back Thursday and try our luck again.

Wednesday was Psychology again. Now, my teacher has a few rules. If you are late, you can either opt to dance in front of the class (YAY HUMILIATION) or bring the whole class food the next time we meet. Just no hash brownies. She specifically mentioned those, which leads me to believe that she speaks from experience. Whoever DID bring hash brownies to class before and gave one to the teacher deserves a prize. So, a kid was late and he decided on food. I hope it's good :D. She also has a rule that if your phone goes off, you must donate a dollar. This money will be used at the end of the semester for charity or for a pot luck or whatever. So, right next to me, this kid's phone goes off. And we ALL hear it. And he stays quiet. He doesn't fess up that it's him, even though it freaking goes off FOUR times. The teacher asks who's is it and he keeps quiet. This total annoying nerdy loser kid in front of me goes, "It was from this side!" The whole class groans, because yeah. He's one of THOSE people. And the guy next to me still doesn't do anything. And I really didn't want to be that bitch who's like, "It was this guy! Go give her the dollar!" so I stay mum. As a result of this, the WHOLE class is forced to give a dollar. I don't HAVE a dollar with me, because I have no money obviously and have to give it in next class. And while everyone's handing out their money, this kid STILL doesn't say anything, he just gives his contributing dollar. I just don't understand why he didn't just say it was him and give the dollar. It would've saved the whole class a lot of grief. So, that was an interesting second class.

Then I go to Speech on Thursday, it's pretty uneventful, besides the fact that we have another sub and we won't meet our teacher until Tuesday. Then I decide to go back to Sociology and take my chances. I get there super early and take a seat and set up my laptop. I have to interject real quick that my Mac has saved my life these past few days. I record the lectures and take my notes on this thing, it's so light weight and I am so in love. I might formally propose. God, I love you Macbook. OK, so before class starts, I make my acquaintance with this really nice girl named Amanda and we chat about Tim Burton films and the sex god that is Johnny Depp and whatnot until it's time for class. Can you believe that there's still a line of people waiting in the back to try and add this class? So, after a pretty awesome lecture, we all make our way towards the front. The professor says that those who were here on Tuesday are the ones he'll be adding today. Out of those 7 people, only 5 are chosen and guess who was Charlie-freaking-Bucket? "I've got a golden ticket..."

So, I got into all of the classes I wanted! As a total newbie, unprepared freshman! SKILLS, my friend. I'm gonna somehow balance 4 pretty legit classes this first semester and see how I hold up. So far the text books are pretty readable, and even though all my classes are in the morning, I haven't fallen asleep and/or been late! I think it's gonna be a good year...

Oh my lord, things are changing!

Oh. My. God. One of my ex-boyfriends is planning on getting married! Holy shit! And I can't even get a boyfriend, what the fuck. I'm really happy for him and her! But, man, it's starting. He'll be going the Army soon (along with a lot of my other friends, some of whom have already been there for a while), and now he's getting married. It's kind of insane, but somehow my friends and I are...becoming adults. EEEEEWWWW GRRRROOOSSSS! Haha. But seriously! Now I'm starting college and a lot of my friends will also start later this year. Then marriage...babies...jobs...careers...it's jarring to think that this is how it starts. When only a year or two ago, we were just high schoolers. Now...this. I'm so scared of the future, but now the future is the present and I have no idea how to deal with that! But, somehow I'll make it. Somehow.

PS: Would it be weird if I attended the wedding? I mean, he was one of my really, really serious bfs. Eh, whatever, I'll still try to make it haha. I love free cake!

I found a poem I wrote when I was 7!

Here is the transcripts, spelling and all:

A Pome fom Gene
I love you
You love me.
A harte (heart)
A trrou. (true)
A love nevr can brak or diae.
A love is specl (special) in so meny (many) was and I love you!

I was seriously a romantic when I was little haha. Here's a bio I did right before I wrote that poem:

I am 7 yeas old.
I live in T.X.
I live in Dallas.
I live in worthing.
I have toys.
I have a dad and a mom.
I have a hart.

I was really into hearts when I was little xD

First post of 2012!

So apparently we have 365 more days to live (a little less actually, but who's counting?)...and I bet 3/4 of those will be mediocre and humdrum. I hope the world doesn't end in December, because I still need more time to finish my bucket list! Imagine, I'd die with so much left unfinished...but probably with the same amount of regrets as if I'd lived till I was 100. I didn't make any New Year resolutions this year and pretty much no wishes either. I've come to learn that you just need to live and not keep wishing for things to change. Lately, I've felt that I'm just marking time, floating along and doing nothing. I guess that's how it's going to be until someone or something pushes me in another direction.

Here's to another year.